


Smile Instead of Shatter

by Flightless_Bird



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Also Romance, Comfort, Damaged Character, Jason's torture, Kaneki is a sweetheart, Kaneki is terrified multiple times, Language (mainly Shiro...), M/M, Rize makes an appearance, Shiro has bouts of craziness, Shiro is Shiro, Slightly psychotic character, Some angst, Time-travel is weird, Violence and Blood, and so is the universe, and very confused at first, but I will sink with it, i don't know where this ship came from, i might go to hell but at least I'll have company, you have to read to understand
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-07-29 17:39:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7693459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flightless_Bird/pseuds/Flightless_Bird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, unlucky people are shattered by the world into a thousand shining, sad pieces. Sometimes, the universe picks up these pieces. Sometimes, it lets these people smile again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awake

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter was written very fast, late at night, and is the result of emotional angst from this series. The ideas behind it are strange, but hey, we can go on a strange journey with this thing together, right? Also, as for the pairing, I read a fic and started shipping it. So I guess I'm one of those weird shippers now, but hey; at least I'm not the only one. So I hope you enjoy this and if you did, leave a comment! I'd love to hear feedback from you. :3

_Won't you come to the place where we met?_

_  
Mirror to mirror,_

_  
Reality to illusion, seeking, wanting, aching, trying,_

_  
But never finding_

_  
Won't you look in the glass and smile instead of shatter?_

_  
When the days are as black as nights, sometimes the universe tears itself_

_  
into smithereens_

_  
for you._

_  
Sometimes strange occurrences are not so impossible_

_  
Hearts mend_

_  
Mirrors repair themselves_

_  
Time bends_

_  
..._

_  
So won't you come to the place where we met?_

XxxxxxX

He went to sleep that night a monster. When he awoke, he was still quite a monster, but in a brighter, sunnier, stranger world.

  
Sometimes, people could experience a sense of _wrongness_. That twisting feeling in your gut that tells you that the normal illusion around you is not right. That was exactly what Kaneki felt when he woke up that morning. He didn't remember where he'd been the night before.

There was no sense of a drunken hangover to blame. He wished there was. A hangover could easily explain the unknown, beige ceiling he was staring at, attached to the unknown room around him and the unknown mess inside of him.

  
Laying on his back in bed, he pushed the hair out of his face, feeling sweat beading at the roots nervously. He didn't remember anything that he'd done for the last...few days? Weeks? Months? He could remember as far back as...Rize, Anteiku, Tsukiyama, Hinami, Jason, torture, awakening, blood, joining, leaving, then....

  
Nothing.

  
He could picture himself walking away from Touka, from all of his friends, but after that, it disappeared into a blur.

  
Swallowing, he cautiously sat up. The sheets were still made, tucked into the corners of the mattress like the white corners of envelopes. He was laying atop them, in torn pants and an equally-disheveled black shirt. A mask lay forgotten on the floor some feet away, grinning sightlessly up at him. In a gut-wrenching moment, he realized that he was wearing the clothes he'd worn during Jason's tor—

  
"God." It choked out on a gasp, as he clamped a hand over his mouth to stop a rush of sickness. There was still wrongness. He didn't know how he knew, but he knew that he'd done things after the torture, gone on from Anteiku, but he couldn't remember it. Now he was here and it was like it had happened yesterday, and

  
He remembered what he'd dreamed about the night before.

  
Of course, out of all things, he would remember that. Because she had come. She always came.

  
But it had been different.

  
_Kaneki_ , she had purred, stroking her fingertips over his hair, almost soothing. _You can't stay here, darling. I wish you would, but you're being called back. I think you've made much too big of a mistake this time. What a pity. But you and I are specks compared to the universe and what it has planned for you_. She had giggled, light like glass shards tinkling across a hard floor. _Though I have to say, I'm surprised by its recent scheme. A bit scandalous, don't you think?_ She tossed the question up to the stars, as though they could hear her teasings. Then she leaned down to him and held out a tiny, snowy flower. _Tell him I said hi, darling_.

  
That did it.

  
Kaneki stumbled off the bed like a mad person, dashed down a little hall and was relieved when the first door he opened showed a bathroom. Collapsing inside, he emptied his stomach into the toilet, tiled floor cold against his knees. Everything hurt and there was a place in his chest that ached as though his heart had been twisted around. He had never experienced anything like it in his life.

  
"Where am I?" he rasped into empty air, body shaking with tremors. Nobody answered. Tears burned hot in his eyes. Out of all of the things to bother him now, it was a sudden sense of loneliness. He was confused, sick, and hurting, and utterly utterly alone.

  
He pushed away from the toilet and backed up to one wall. Resting there, he curled his knees up under his chin. Across from him, the open door mocked. He was shivering, crumbling in on himself. He buried his face in his folded arms and shut his eyes tightly. He tried to focus on breathing slow and deep, absently cracking a few knuckles on his left hand. Gradually, the jittery nerves calmed somewhat and allowed him to think.

  
Okay. So he wasn't at Anteiku. Judging by the plain dullness of this place, he guessed he was at an apartment. Granted, this one hadn't been filled with much, other than a few basic things, like the bed and the shower curtain to his left. He couldn't remember the last couple of weeks. He was alone. Right.

  
Inhaling deeply, he held his breath for a second before letting it out in a decisive exhale. The only problem he could hope to solve right now was the "alone" one. That could be done very easily, but it would mean going back to old haunts.

  
"I can handle it," he muttered to himself, thumb curling to crack his index finger.

  
So he would find some old haunts and hopefully, answers. There was just one other thing he had to handle before that.

  
There was no way in hell he was showing up at Anteiku looking like a homeless, mentally troubled person.

  
Even if he might actually be one.


	2. Shaken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was like looking in a mirror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the length between chapters, haha. I don't like their length so far, but they'll become longer later, don't worry. Also, don't be shy to leave feedback if you liked it or if there's something you wanna see later! It makes my day and I hope you're enjoying the story :)

He didn't bother to pick the mask up off the floor when he passed it. Wearing it out in public might just scare the crap out of people and for once, he wanted to appear normal to them. 

Or at least, as normal as a white-haired boy in beaten clothing and bare feet could look. 

Beside the bed, there was a white bedside table with a single drawer. Kaneki pulled it open without much expectation, then blinked when he spotted the folded money inside. So someone had given him money? Or he'd brought it from wherever he'd been before this?

"Not questioning it," he decided, plucking the money from the drawer and shoving it shut with his knee. Choosing between buying and stealing clothes was easier now. 

The moment he stepped out into daylight, however, he began to regret his decision to leave the apartment at all. He was out in the familiar streets of Tokyo, the buildings stretching up over his head and a steady stream of cars passing by in front of him. Shielding his eyes from the sun with a hand, he picked a random direction and started walking. This was when it became difficult. People walking past on the sidewalk kept looking his way, some curious and some pitying. All of them made sure to give him a good distance. 

A brief twinge of embarrassment made Kaneki lower his head a bit as he walked. He really should've expected this. He was a barefoot ghoul with strange hair and torn clothes. To anyone walking by, he must've looked like a wreck. I could tear all of them apart if I wanted to, he reminded himself. He cracked a knuckle and met some of their stares as he continued walking.

He'd been through much worse than public embarrassment, after all.   
  
**XxxxxxX**

He'd forgotten what shopping for clothes was like.

He didn't do it very often and rarely took much of an interest in it. He supposed the world must have been laughing at him right now, a powerful ghoul holding up a pair of pants in some clothing store, wondering if they would fit. _Better get a size bigger,_ he thought and snagged a pair of black sweatpants from the folded piles on the shelf. He guessed it was early fall, based on the weather outside, so warmer clothes were a good option for now. It was always good for ghouls to wear clothes they could move in easily too. Speaking of which...

When was the last time he ate? 

Feeling stupid, Kaneki rested a hand over his own stomach as he paused by a rack of T-shirts. He didn't feel very hungry right now, thank God. He must've eaten recently. Sighing, he went back to rifling through the shirts. This whole memory-loss shit was getting seriously annoying. 

The only shirt in his size was blue, but it was better than getting a white one (he had to worry about bloodstains, in case of say, a fight or his next meal). So he picked it out, turned around to head toward a section of shoes, and came face-to-face with blonde hair. Ruffled blonde hair with darker strands streaking it. Familiar. Kaneki's heart stopped.

"Hey!" Hide greeted with his usual confident smile. His hands were hidden in the pockets of his jacket, but he pulled one out to point at Kaneki's feet. "Just wondering; do you always shop without shoes on or do you just really need shoes?"

Kaneki's mind whirled, unable to form a coherent sentence. His best friend was in front of him for the first time after everything that had happened and he wasn't even fazed. Either he was taking Kaneki's strange appearance very well or he didn't recognize him. _I might look different to him now_. Finally, he formed a dumb, half-muttered response: "I just really need shoes." 

Hide laughed, an easy sound that wormed its way to a dark place in Kaneki's heart. "So, what, are you like, homeless?" he asked, brown eyes twinkling. Then the amused expression vanished from his face, leaving wide eyes and fumbling hands.

"Oh, crap, wait, I didn't mean it like that. Sorry. I mean, I don't know if you really are homeless and wow, you probably think I'm a jerk right now, sorry." 

Kaneki shrugged it off. "Nah, it's fine," he said, holding the folded clothes against his chest. "I'm not homeless." Though I am poor.

"Oh, okay, good." Hide blew out a relieved exhale. Then his smile was back and he was holding his hand out toward Kaneki. "I'm Hide, by the way."

Kaneki blinked down at the outstretched hand. Hide really didn't recognize him? "Actually, Hide—" Then his gaze travelled to a movement behind Hide's shoulder and his entire world froze. Kaneki went rigid, lips parted, but no words coming out.

"What?" Hide asked, glancing around curiously. Then he pointed in the direction of Kaneki's staring. "Oh, that's my friend, Kaneki. Hey, Kaneki! Get over here!"

The boy, the boy Kankeki was staring at, the boy with the dark hair and in a blue-and-black jacket, glanced over at the two curiously. "Why? Did you find another pair of shoes you 'had to have?'"

"Nah, I found our new best friend, er, um." Hide paused, narrowed his eyes at Kaneki. "What's your name?"

Kaneki's mind was busy spinning so fast, reeling from what he was seeing in front of him. His stomach was lurching and oh god, he didn't want to throw up here. It was taking sheer willpower to keep his shaking knees from buckling and to keep his eye from turning. In the midst of the sickening haze, he registered that he had to answer Hide's question. But now, thanks to this...development...he also had to lie. "I—I'm..." Raking his brain for a suitable name was difficult in a split second, so he grasped at one feature and went with it. "...Shiro."

White. White hair. He named himself after his hair color. 

If Kaneki hadn't been trying not to black out, he would've kicked himself for coming up with such a name for himself.   
_Better start thinking of myself as "Shiro,"_ he thought, swallowing down a lump in his throat as the boy started over to them. _Or I'm gonna try to answer every time someone says "Kaneki." God, what the hell even is this?!_

"Kaneki, meet Shiro, Shiro, meet Kaneki," Hide introduced, cheerfully oblivious to the havoc he was wreaking on Kaneki—er, Shiro's—world. 

"Hi," the boy ventured, with all of that shy politeness had been in place back before Jason. 

Shiro mumbled something of a greeting back, unable to tear his gaze from the charcoal eyes in front of him. He'd never been faced with his own face like this before, not even in a mirror. A person couldn't have a conversation with themselves in a mirror, with their PAST self. Another wave of nausea hit him and he clamped his teeth together to fight it. 

"Wow," Hide remarked. He had stepped back a bit and was glancing back and forth between them. "You guys really look alike, you know, except for the hair, obviously. I read this thing somewhere that said there were like, seven people in the world that looked like you, but I thought it was stupid until this."

Kaneki wrinkled his nose doubtfully and then began studying Shiro a little closer. "I don't think we look that alike..."

"You even have the same eye color, man."

"...I guess you're right. Huh." Shrugging it off as a happy coincidence, Kaneki then gave Shiro a small smile. "Weird, right?"

"Yeah. Weird." Shiro wasn't capable of any more than simple words. His breathing was picking up and he knew that if he didn't get out of here soon, he might end up puking all over their shoes. "Listen, uh," he began, hugging the clothes almost protectively to his chest, "I better get going. I'm gonna be late for...something. It was nice to meet you, though."

Kaneki blinked at the sudden departure, but didn't question it. "Okay. Nice to meet you, too."

"See you later," Hide added brightly. He was grinning that friendly grin of his, the kind that wrinkled his eyes and said that he meant it when he said they'd see each other later. Hide was just that kind of person when he made friends.

It would've been comforting, if Shiro wasn't gaping into his own eyes, watching his old face speak and act like life was normal. God, did this Kaneki even realize what hell was out there, waiting in dark corners? Or was this some dream or hallucination that Shiro would wake from, feeling more confused than ever?

He didn't know. He didn't care. Anteiku would have to wait until later. All he cared about was getting back to that strange apartment he'd woken in this morning, so that he could throw up for the second time today.

He could almost hear Rize again, whispering sweetly into his ear, _tell him I said hi, darling._


	3. Punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He should've known better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this super fast because I was excited to get it out. I really hope you all like it and thank you for the comments! Let me know if I've met your expectations and I hope I can keep meeting them. Enjoy! :3

By sheer luck, Shiro managed to make it back without being sick. The new clothes and shoes were left in a pile on the bed, as he dashed to the bathroom. He didn't think he was going to throw up again, but it was better to be safe. Now, he stood over the sink, hands braced on the porcelain, shoulders shaking with his breaths. A line of scarlet trailed down the side of his face, staining strands of his hair. Summoning his willpower (and a touch of the insanity that had taken hold after Jason), he'd smashed his head against the sink once. He wanted to see if it was enough to wake him up from this coma or hallucination or whatever the hell this was.

The regeneration took care of his head, but the dream didn't fade away. Which meant one thing.

"This is real," he whispered. His fingers trembled. 

This was where the wrongness was from. Things like this didn't happen to people. Things like this weren't even heard of. "Why me?" he asked in a rasp. He wasn't expecting an answer. 

It came anyway.

 _Poor thing_ , _look at you. All alone again and no closer to figuring it out._

  
Shiro's head snapped up, grey eyes wide and wild. Before him, in the mirror, Rize grinned at him. Her dress was the color of dripping cream and her fingernails traced idle patterns across the glass. She slanted a cold look at him from over her glasses. "Get the hell away from me," he growled. He had accepted her. That didn't mean he had to talk to her like she still existed.

 _Oh my, so rude,_ she giggled, twirling a strand of dusky lavender hair around her finger. _Not afraid of hurting my feelings anymore, Kaneki? Or should I call you "Shiro?"_ She tossed the name in his face like a bad joke.

"Shut up," he muttered.

 _You're so stubborn. You can't storm off, you know. I'm right here_. At the word "here," she covered one eye and let the uncovered one turn, sclera black and pupil glinting crimson. 

"You're not here," he hissed, feeling stupid for acknowledging a figment of his mind.

 _No, I suppose not. But I'm not there, either. I'm in between and I've found it's quite a lovely in between, attached to a halfbreed losing his mind._ Her smirk was taunting, but he didn't bother to retaliate. Switching tactics, she tilted her head to one side. _Do you want to know the best part of being dead but alive at the same time?_

Her words sent shudders crawling down his back. "No."

  
Of course she told him anyway. _When I talk to the stars, they talk back_ , she whispered, reveling in it, like it was a gift she wished to tease him with. _And, darling, you should hear the things they say about you._

"Leave me alone," he snapped. He kept his eyes fixed on the sink in front of him, at the droplets of his blood gathered there. If he refused to look at her, he could pretend she wasn't there, in the mirror, in his ears, in a place beneath his ribs.

Then her voice changed. _Do you know what today is?_

"Why do you care?"

_Do you know what today is?_

  
"Why would I not know?" he asked heatedly, glaring at her now. He couldn't help it; he was confused and she was pissing him off.

Her expression didn't change from its sweet smile. _Do you know what today is?_

"Dammit, shut up!" he snapped and before he could stop it, he'd smashed his fist into the glass. Cracks spidered across Rize's face, marring her pretty features. Her broken smile faced him like a defaced painting. He was panting, bloodied knuckles sewing back together. As soon as she opened her mouth to ask again, he snarled, "it's the day you made my life hell!"

She exhaled shortly, a teacher pleased with a student's answer. And who did you meet today? she asked, quiet. The calm before storms.

"Hide," Shiro answered. "And me. The me from before—" He stopped. Let the lightning bolt hit him. Understanding dawned like sparks. 

Rize winked. _Why don't I tell him hi myself, hmm?_

 _ **XxxxxxX**_  
  
He was dressed in moments, in the sweatpants, blue tee, and a pair of plain black shoes. The mask was tucked into the back of his waistband, mostly unrecognizable to anyone looking. As he crossed the room to the door, he passed by the open doorway to the bathroom. Glass littered the floor, shards of ceiling reflected in them. He'd sent his kagune through Rize's face.

He had to wait for his eye to turn back again before he stepped out.

Thank God he'd gotten a new shirt because this time, he'd ripped his kagune through the old one.

Emerging into sunlight was hard, especially since he could tell it was edging toward noon. He couldn't remember what time it had been, exactly, when he'd met Rize. But maybe that was okay. Maybe his presence here, now, meant that something about Kaneki's decision would change. Anything to give him more time.

It didn't take very long, wandering the streets again, to find Anteiku. But when he did find it, the little cafe tucked in among its neighbors, his heart jumped at the sight. He'd thought the only things to excite him now were chains breaking, blood spilling, his enemies falling under him. There was one more thing to add to that list now: the ding of the bell when he opened the door to Anteiku. 

It smelled of coffee, human, ghouls, and home.

Immediately, he saw her. She was directly in front of him, taking the orders of a couple at a side table. The almost-blue ebony hair fell across her eye the way he remembered it and her voice still held that edge of a bite. Even in a cafe employee's uniform, the strength of a ghoul was scarcely hidden from him. Touka. 

"Um, excuse me?" a snide voice asked, followed by an arm pushing at his back. Shiro jerked slightly, then mumbled an apology as he stepped to the side. A teenage boy moved past him, shooting an annoyed glance over his shoulder.  
When Shiro glanced back toward Touka, a pair of dusky eyes were gazing back at him. Feeling dumb and rather strange to know that she didn't know him, he stuck his hands in his pockets. She glanced toward the boy who'd pushed him, then back at him, as if to say, _you bothering him?_

He shrugged back. _Don't know, don't care._

  
Her narrowed eyes were the new question. He ducked his head a bit, hair hiding the side of his face from people on his left, and let his eye turn for a second. Touka's eyebrows rose and with a nod of understanding, she headed back to retrieve her customers' coffee. Briefly freed from his worry, Shiro grinned to himself, feeling a bit smug. He'd never been able to make his eye turn so fast before. 

Suddenly, a blast of scent hit him so hard, the grin was wiped right off his face. He stiffed, shoulders tensed. He knew that scent. It wasn't just because he'd smelled it before. It was because it smelled like _him_. 

He looked to his right, where it was coming from, and his stomach lurched. There she was. Sitting at her lonely table, with a book propped in her hands. Her dress was the same one she wore in his visions, though her hair was less wild. The sharpness of her had been toned down to softer curves in this light. This was the side of her that he'd fallen for. The side that he'd soon found out didn't even exist in the first place. 

As though sensing his gaze, Rize's eyes flicked up. He saw it as soon as she started inhaling slowly through her nostrils; she was checking to see if this ivory-haired newcomer was a human or not. Her brow furrowed afterward, fingertips digging into the spine of her book. Shiro averted his eyes from her then. It was better to let her wonder why a ghoul smelled of human and her than to go over and explain. Besides, her confusion now was the closest he'd get to punishment for what she'd done to him. 

He knew where he needed to go next. The table a little ways from hers was occupied by a laughing blonde and a poor boy who really needed to handle his blushing. Hide and Kaneki. Shiro started toward them, but not before the Rize of his mind got in one last taunt: _isn't he cute when he blushes?_

 _He is,_ Shiro thought, then nearly tripped over his own feet. He had just called himself cute. Well, he looked different now, but still.

  
He wished his snarky mind-Rize was a physical being right now because he wanted to punch her.

His timing couldn't have been more perfect. At that moment, Hide snickered a few last jokes, stood up, and gathered his things to leave. Adjusting the headphones around his neck, he began to turn away from the table. Shiro fumbled to scurry to the counter at the front of the cafe, hunching his back as he leaned against it. He didn't want Hide to see him here. That involved interaction that would waste time. He just wanted to get to Kaneki. 

People at the counter beside him were starting to give him weird looks, but he didn't budge until he heard the door shut again. Deeming it safe to turn around, he headed back across the cafe again. Kaneki sat by himself now. He was pretending to read and sneaking glances toward Rize when he thought she wouldn't notice. Lovestruck moron. Just thinking about how blind he'd been gave Shiro the last push he needed to stop caring about scaring Kaneki. 

He marched right over, took the seat across from him, and crossed his arms over his chest. "Hey," he greeted simply.  
Kaneki lowered his book a little, puzzled at the sudden company. "Uh, hey," he ventured slowly. "You're Shiro, right? I think we met earlier."

"Yeah, we did." That was as much as he offered. He was talking to himself. Nothing had ever been more bizarre. 

"Are you okay?" Kaneki asked, sensing something behind the shortness. "You look distracted."

Shiro bobbed his head in the direction of Rize. "You know that girl you're staring at?" 

At once, Kaneki tipped his head back and groaned. "Is it that obvious?" 

His ears were tinged pink. Shiro had to fight down a smile, then wondered why he'd even react that way. Propping an elbow on the table, he cracked his index finger to bring himself back to the seriousness of this. "She's a ghoul," he stated, keeping his voice lowered. 

Kaneki's eyes widened, then narrowed in defense of his crush. "How do you know?" he demanded. "You met her before?"

Shiro wanted to say yes, but technically, in this timeline... "No," he answered. "But I've seen her. I wouldn't get involved with her, if I were you." How ironic. 

Kaneki gazed at Rize through longing, saddened eyes. "Are you really sure?" The hope in his voice was nearly tangible and it hurt. 

"I'm sure. Stay away from her."

"I...I dunno. She's so kind, to everyone."

"That's what she wants you to believe."

Now Kaneki was studying him, book forgotten on the tabletop. Shiro fought the urge to squirm under the stormy grey gaze. "Who are you?" he asked suddenly.

Shiro blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I barely know you and you expect me to believe you when you say someone's a ghoul," Kaneki replied. There wasn't even anger in his voice. He genuinely wanted to know why he should trust a stranger. 

"So, get to know me," Shiro returned. He just needed Kaneki to stay here a little longer. If Rize left, then there was a chance that she'd stay away from him, after having lost her chance already. She'd probably go off looking for another easy meal. 

Kaneki sat there thinking like Shiro had set up a particularly clever test for him to try and pass. "Do you like books?" he asked at last.

Shiro's eyebrows rose in puzzlement. "What?"

"I'm trying to get to know you."

"You can't just trust me and move on with your life?"

"That'd be boring, wouldn't it? Or do you just not like me?" The last question was accompanied by a face that resembled a kicked puppy.

Dear God. "Yes," Shiro sighed. "I like books. But I don't read much anymore."

Kaneki brightened, seeing that he had saved the conversation for now. "Okay. Why don't you read anymore?"

"...can't find anything good to read." It was a better answer than "I was mentally and physically tortured and reading about people's happiness makes me want to kill them." 

"I can understand that," Kaneki said with a shrug. "So, um. Are you in college? You look about my age, so..."

Shiro sat for a long moment. There was really only one believable answer to go with here. "I dropped out." At the look of shock on Kaneki's face, he hurried on, "it was because of an...injury. Um, I don't have any family, so it was really hard to recover and manage schoolwork. But I'm looking for a job," he added quickly, not wanting to seem like a complete failure. Hell, he didn't even know what kind of life he was starting here in this complicated past. 

"Oh." Kaneki's expression softened. "I'm sorry. What kind of injury was it? If you don't mind me asking." 

Shiro considered the truth for a moment, fingers curling in his shirt over the scar tracing one side of his stomach. He didn't have to tell Kaneki the ghoul had been Rize. But then he remembered in a jolt that confessing meant also confessing about what he really was. He lowered his eyes. "I'd rather not talk about it."

"That's okay. It must've been hard, not having any family to help you."

"It was."

"Well...you have friends now, right? Hide and me." Kaneki smiled then, sunlight between clouds. 

"Yeah," Shiro murmured. "I guess I do."

"So, um, what else do you like to—?"

Suddenly, a flash of long twilight hair whisked in the corner of Shiro's eye. He glanced to the right, glimpsed Rize walking purposefully toward them, and his heartbeat picked up. He reached across the table and grabbed Kaneki's hand. "We gotta go," he stated, and yanked the boy right out of his chair.

"W—what? Wait! Where are we going?" Kaneki stumbled along behind to keep up, as Shiro led the way briskly to the door.

"Away." 

"Is it because of Rize?" 

"Keep your voice down!" Shouldering the door open, Shiro emerged out into fading sunlight. Afternoon was dwindling by and there were several people passing by on their way home from work. Thinking fast, he hauled Kaneki away from the cafe and hurried down the sidewalk. 

"Hold on, Shiro, you're breaking my arm!" Kaneki squeaked. He pulled away from Shiro's hold, but continued to walk alongside him. "What was that about anyway?"

"She was watching you," Shiro answered. "She was about to make a move to try and eat you. Probably by playing on your stupid crush."

"Hey!" 

"It's true."

"Doesn't mean you have to call it stupid," Kaneki mumbled. Hands in his jacket pockets, he stole a glance up at Shiro. "And I'm still not sure that you know she's a ghoul."

He didn't have time for this. "Well, I'm sure." Tilting his head toward an alleyway between a flower shop and some other building, he started off the sidewalk. "C'mon. We'll cut through here in case she followed us out."

Kaneki's sigh echoed against the brick walls, but he trailed behind Shiro obediently. "Okay... I guess I'm following strangers into alleys now..."

"I'm not a stranger," Shiro pointed out.

"I've only known you for one day."

Halting, Shiro let out a deep breath before turning to face Kaneki. He crossed his arms sternly. "Listen. I know that you don't know me very well. But I know...Rize well enough to know what she is. And stranger or not, I'm trying to help you." He lifted his shoulders in a shrug. "So isn't that enough for now?"

Kaneki looked at him, gaze thoughtful, but gradually losing its skepticism. Finally, he gave a nod of agreement. "I guess you have a poin—"

The sickening noise of a blade through skin and organs, agony lancing up his body.

Kaneki's eyes widened in shocked horror, mouth open, but no noise coming out. Shiro's arms had uncrossed, but they were trembling in front of him. His fingers were spattered with scarlet drops. Frozen in place by the flames eating him up inside, he drew his eyes down to the sharpened tip leaking out of his stomach. It pulsed, rubies for scales and knives for sensation.

His ravaged mind thought dumbly, _but that's my kagune._

When she spoke, her voice was in his mind and from behind him. 

_"Be careful. I don't want your blood all over my dessert."_


	4. Stained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even his own mind hated him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments were so wonderful, I had to write this today. I hope you continue to enjoy it, so let me know if you do! Poor Shiro and jeez, poor Kaneki. He's goin' through a lot, guys. XD

_"Shiro!!"_

  
Kaneki's scream was loud in Shiro's ears, grating on his nerves. To the human's horror, Rize hefted her kagune upward, taking Shiro with it, and threw him straight into a brick wall. Debris and dust exploded from the impact, sending brick pieces flying like bullets. Kaneki shielded his face with his hands and searched desperately through the cloud for Shiro. He couldn't make him out, not before his attention was taken by demonic laughter.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry dear," she crooned to him, sidling from the settling dust. "Was that poor thing your boyfriend?" Her pupils glowed as red as sin, blackness surrounding them. She stopped a few feet from him and let her kagune rest in midair behind her. 

"You are a ghoul," Kaneki rasped, gaze fixed numbly on the four snakelike organs she wielded. 

Rize cocked her head, a finger resting on her chin. "And you have a problem with that? How shallow. Here, I thought you didn't mind ghouls, since you were so happy to spend time with one."

Kaneki was shaking so hard, he thought he'd fall over, but he couldn't run. He refused to let himself run while Shiro might be hurt. "I don't know what you're talking about," he managed. Her mouth split into a grin and she stalked toward him, heels clicking. Kaneki fell back at a wave of terror. "No, wait, please—! I—I won't call the CCG if you just leave, I swear!"

"Now why would I do that?" she asked lightly. Then she leaned toward him, hands on her knees like a mother speaking to a disobedient child. "Are you expecting mercy from me? Or is this your little crush speaking? You expected a date, perhaps, or a chance for friendship at the very least, is that right? Well, I'm terribly sorry, but," she smiled, sinister and nearly apologetic, "I don't play with my food."

Kaneki saw the kagune rise, points aimed for him. The kind of primal terror that only took hold during death paralyzed him then. That was when he realized he was going to die. 

She laughed as she sent her cruel weapons slicing down. 

Something slammed into her. Hard. Shoulder first and determined, sending her flying into the opposite wall. Her back collided with brick, a cry leaving her, and she slid down to the pavement with a thump. "What the hell?" she growled, fury stealing her earlier eloquence.

Kaneki gaped, not quite believing his eyes. A boy with white hair stood in front of him, hand on his bloodied stomach and shoulders heaving. 

Shiro grimaced, picking at his sticky shirt and sending Rize an irritated glare. "I just bought this," he deadpanned.

"What are you?" Rize demanded, climbing to her feet. "You smell like a filthy human and _me_! Why do you smell like _me_!?" 

"Trust me, I wish I didn't; you reek."

  
An enraged cry tore from her as she whipped the end of a red tentacle at him. Kaneki gasped fearfully, but Shiro just sidestepped it. The pavement cracked an inch from where he stood. Rize's face blanked. Then it screwed up in anger again and she aimed another slash at him. This time, he had to jump to avoid a bone-breaking hit to his legs. That really pissed her off. 

" _You little bastard!_ " Her kagune flew at him, again, again, again. Slicing the air in waves and smashing sidewalk. Dust billowed from the places she hit. Kaneki gritted his teeth and squinted through the haze. Panting, Rize relaxed a fraction, her lips beginning to curve up. Then the smile was wiped away when the dust cleared to reveal Shiro standing right where he'd been before. "You—!"

  
He arched a brow at her. "Are you done with your tantrum yet?"

"Go to hell!" she shouted. The writhing tentacles flew, two for Shiro and two aiming for Kaneki. The human cried out, hunching down with hands over his head. 

There was the familiar burn and pull in his lower back, and bloody mist in the air. Shiro snarled as the rinkaku ripped from him, taking the blow Rize threw at him. One lunged, piercing through the tentacle she'd meant for Kaneki with a sound like glass shattering. She screamed, the severed end reeling backward as she stumbled. Chest heaving, she curled them protectively around her and kept the injured one close to her body.

If Kaneki had looked mentally scarred before, he certainly looked it now. Shiro inwardly cringed. Guess he didn't have to hold back anymore. He drew his kagune close to him, the clawlike ends curving over his head to point at Rize. The pulse in them, the power thrumming down the crimson length of them and into his spine and his body, made him tremble. He was smiling before he knew it, gazing at her from under tousled hair, one eye fully turned and devilish. "Sorry," he said, lifting his hand and cracking the knuckle of his ring finger. "Did that hurt?"

"Filthy halfbreed," she returned. Blood and shining liquid dripped from her injured kagune. 

"Don't waste insults on me." 

"I'll kill you."

"I'll slaughter you." She tensed at the sincerity behind his words, the sick enjoyment. He shifted on his feet, head tilted to the side mockingly. "Unlike you, I like playing with my food," he taunted. 

A wordless sound of vehemence left her as she lunged for him. Hands in fists and tentacles lashing. His grin widened and he rushed to meet her blow for blow, the thunderclaps of their kagune crashing together echoing along the alleyway. Her heels snapping against the ground, his feet leaving it as he pushed himself up onto the tips of two tentacles and spun the others down on her. The sky was stained orange-and-red above them; everything was stained red in his crazed eyes. She didn't stand a chance. Even now, her movements were weakening and she was relying on dodging his hits. He felt wild laughter bubbling up in his chest.

"Stop...stop!" Rize clumsily blocked a strike and pushed herself farther down the alley. Her dress was torn at the side and she pressed her fingers over the leaking blood there. She gazed up at him, eyes softening into feigned promise. "You're wasting time, halfbreed. We don't need to fight," she purred. "I'll share him. You wanted him too, didn't you?"

Balanced off the ground on the tips of four kagune, Shiro laughed, head tipped back to look at her upside-down. Messy hair fell away from his face in a fall of snow and black-nailed fingertips pushed it back. "I don't want him," he rasped. "I already have what I want."

"What's that?" she asked, clinging to the shred of a chance.

"This." He twisted, rinkaku sweeping wide and out. As Rize lifted hers around her defensively, his pierced through them and then her. In one clean swipe, he'd speared her through to the pavement. Her howl of pain was music and he reveled in it.   
It only took moments for her to stop twitching and for the breath to seep out of her lungs. Shivering in lingering adrenaline, he lowered his feet to the ground and slid his claws out of her. With a wet rasp, she collapsed in a heap. "Say hi to Yamori for me," he murmured in quiet glee, rinkaku retreating and fading. He took one step toward her, ghoulish eye wide and hungry.

Then there was a sift of sound from behind.

Shiro looked back and his heart stopped.

Kaneki's glazed eyes moved from Rize up to Shiro. The horror hadn't changed. "You're a ghoul," he whispered.

"Kaneki—" Shiro started toward him, halting when Kaneki flinched.

"Don't! Please don't eat me! I—I won't tell anyone!" Kaneki was shaking and his pale skin suggested that he was about to be sick. 

Shiro glared at him. "What makes you think I'm gonna eat you?" he shot back. "I just saved your life!"

"But don't ghouls eat people?" Kaneki asked weakly.

"Not ones who are their friends!" 

Kaneki's expression went blank and he looked at Shiro in surprise. Shiro rubbed a hand through his hair and to the back of his neck. Dammit, he wasn't supposed to do this. He just wanted to get Rize away from him, not start some messed-up friendship with his past self. This wasn't going to work. "Look," he began coldly, "I get that you're terrified of ghouls, okay, everyone is. But I don't make a habit out of fighting with other ghouls over innocent people. I didn't do it to eat you, I did it to help you. And it's over, so I'm done. You can just forget about me." Without waiting for an answer, he turned away. Rize's body still lay unmoving on the pavement. Yamori had tasted like shit, but maybe Rize would match her sickly-sweet appearance.

"...don't you need to clean up?"

Shiro spun around at Kaneki's uneasy voice, then stifled a gasp when he found the human right behind him. Shit, how did he move that quietly? "What do you mean?" 

"You have blood all over you," Kaneki told him. "You can uh...come to my place and wash it off, if you want." 

"I thought you didn't trust me," Shiro growled. 

"I—I know. But..." Kaneki trailed off. He lifted a visibly trembling hand up toward Shiro's face. He resembled a child trying to pet a savage dog. Stiffening, Shiro watched the human fingers inch closer, until they rested on his cheek. Kaneki moved his thumb and pushed away a smear of blood. His thumb stilled beneath the black-and-red eye. "You only have one," he remarked, voice low and maybe numb from what had happened.

Shiro took in a slow breath. "I'm only half ghoul," he answered in an exhale. He had a very stupid urge to turn his face into Kaneki's hand.

"Why?"

"I can't tell you."

Huffing out a breath at that, Kaneki withdrew his hand. Finally, he straightened up, shoved his hands decisively into his pockets, and offered the tiniest of smiles. "So, do you wanna come over or not?"

_**XxxxxxX** _

Kaneki's apartment was exactly as Shiro remembered it. Everything put away neater than most college students, the kitchen darkening in the fading sunset, and the couch in its old spot. The whole place smelled of human, traces of Hide and even more of Kaneki. Shiro wrinkled his nose as he followed Kaneki through the door. Was that was he smelled like, back when he was just human?

"Here," Kaneki stammered, as the door shut with a click. He'd tossed his jacket at Shiro, who hadn't turned fast enough and found the hood flopping over his head. "Um, it's cold in here and you're hurt, so.... You can borrow it. I don't mind if there's, uh, blood on it." 

As Kaneki passed him to head toward the kitchen, Shiro stood dumbly with the jacket sitting on his head. _Well, damn. Tsukiyama was right. I do smell good._ Immediately, he recoiled from the thought and tore the jacket off of him. He opted for keeping it folded against his chest and ventured into the apartment alone. 

Kaneki had turned the lights on in the kitchen, but in here, it was darker. Light spilled from the doorway across the floor as Shiro toed out of his shoes. He padded farther in, up to the couch, and considered sitting on it. His aching muscles urged him on, but he'd rather not stain it with his and Rize's blood.

  
Thinking of her was as bad as inviting her in. At once, he felt her stir in the depths of his mind. _My, my. So you really would've butchered me. Just like that._

_Yeah_ , he thought back, stone-cold. _And I'd do it again._

  
There was no reply and he allowed himself to relax a fraction. Then she lashed out at him hard, voice loud and ringing in his head:

_Nine-hundred and ninety-three, nine-hundred and eighty-six, nine-hundred and seventy-nine, nine-hundred and seventy_ —

Shiro dropped the jacket to the floor as his knees threatened to buckle. "Shut up!" he shouted, clutching his head, fingers tangling in his hair. She didn't. She pushed him harder.

  
_NINE-HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE, NINE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY-EIGHT, NINE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY-ONE, NINE-HUNDRED AND FOURTY-FOUR..._

"Shut up, shut _up, get out!_ " His knees met the floor and he rocked forward, sweat building on his skin. His arms were shuddering so hard, his fingers raked out strands of hair. He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe. There were chains around him, there were things crawling inside of him, get it out get it out getitout—

_NINE-HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SEVEN, NINE-HUNDRED AND THIRTY,_

  
"Nine-hundred and twenty-three," he whispered softly into his hands. "Nine-hundred and sixteen. Nine-hundred and—"

"Shiro?"

Her chanting flitted away, chased by Kaneki's voice. Shiro lifted his head and Kaneki's startled gaze. The boy stood over him, a first-aid kit in his hands and a wary question in his features. Shiro looked back down again at the floor. He had to focus on breathing for a few minutes and convince himself that he was here, in this room, not in that one.

"Are you—?"

"I'm okay," Shiro cut him off. Swallowing, he unfolded his legs from under him and stood up. The first-aid kit was accepted silently and he pulled it in to his chest. His wide eyes were seeing something over Kaneki's shoulder, something not quite there. 

As he made to pass by him, Kaneki spoke up uncertainly. "Um, were you counting? Backwards?"

"Yes." 

"...why?"

Shiro left him there, wondering, and crossed the apartment to the bathroom. Once he was closed inside, there was silence again in the apartment.

Until Kaneki heard the sound of his mirror being shattered


	5. Scarred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hadn't realized scars could be things of beauty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for such positive feedback! You've been amazing readers so far and I hope I can continue to meet your expectations, haha. Enjoy!

_Okay. There's a ghoul in my apartment. Er, a half-ghoul. Whatever. He's in my apartment, because I let him in, because he saved me from my crush, who is also a ghoul, and now he's here. He was really nice when we met though, and sort-of nice now, so I'm gonna go with it. I can handle this._

This was the complete inner monologue of Kaneki, as he scurried from room to room, flicking on lights. Sunset was passing outside by now, turning the sky purple around the edges. As much as he hated to admit it, he was getting all the lights on because he didn't want to be with a ghoul in the dark. _A half-ghoul._ He was going to keep screwing that up, he knew it. 

_I hope he's okay in there_ , he thought with a worried glance at the closed bathroom door. He knew he hadn't imagined the crack of breaking glass from inside; his mirror was probably in pieces right now. Not that he was gonna complain. He valued his life, after all. Which brought him back to a disturbing thought: as much as he wanted to deny it, it seemed as though something was not all...normal in Shiro's mind. Kaneki hadn't figured out what it was yet and frankly, he wasn't sure he should. 

But there was only so much longer he could last without addressing the burning issue: _a crazy half-ghoul that had killed another ghoul was one of his friends._

Taking a deep breath, then letting it out slowly, he edged toward the bathroom. Halfway there, he realized that he was holding his hands up like a person about to be mauled by a bear. "Oh for God's sake," he muttered to himself, dropping his hands and striding forward. "Don't be such an idiot, he's not that—"

He pulled open the door and promptly came to an open-mouthed halt. "...mean." 

Wow, so he had definitely not been prepared to be faced with Shiro, shirtless. The half-ghoul blinked at him in surprise, blood-soaked shirt in his hands as he checked the wounds to his stomach. They're already healing, Kaneki thought, staring first in wonder, and then realizing that after a moment, he was just staring at Shiro's abs. He had a thin scar trailing up the side of his torso like a string of spider's web.

"U—um," he stuttered, straightening up painfully fast. His face was on fire. "I... Well, I was thinking that..."

Shiro's gaze flicked to the droplets on the rug and he grimaced. "If it's about the blood, I can clean it up," he offered lamely.

"N—no, it's not that!" Kaneki interrupted. He knew he'd said it too fast, especially when Shiro's expression went from confused to knowing. 

"Uh, are you staring at m—?"

"Youcanborrowacleanshirtifyouwant!" Kaneki plowed right over the words. Then, as smooth as ever, he shut the door. He faced it for a second, willing himself to stop blushing like a complete idiot. He normally only acted like this around Rize. "Oh god," he whispered under his breath. "Please tell me I'm not getting a crush on a ghoul."

Two seconds ticked by. Then a flat voice added helpfully from the other side of the door, "half-ghoul."

"I didn't say anything!" Kaneki denied.

"I can hear—"

"I'll go get you your shirt now!"

He RAN to his room.  
  
**_XxxxxxX_**

Shiro sat on the edge of the bathtub for a while, looking at the shards of mirror he'd broken on the floor. He'd long since washed all stains from the fight from his skin. But he couldn't wash that stain inside of him. His fingers lifted to trace the scar marring his side. 

She wasn't really dead. She'd never really be dead.

He glanced down at the raised tissue, wondered how much it would take to rip it from himself. He wondered what Kaneki had thought when he saw him as the monster that he was.

He wondered what Kaneki thought, moments ago, when he saw him as the human he ached to be.

Groaning under his breath, he dropped his face into his hands. "Why am I such an idiot back then?" he asked in a mumble. He wanted to grab Kaneki and shake him, yell at him to get the hell away from a damaged person like Shiro. But part of him wouldn't let him do that. Shiro was already a wreck. But Kaneki wasn't. He still had a chance and for whatever reason, Shiro could now protect that chance. 

He wouldn't be the source of Kaneki's pain. 

Sighing, he finally forced himself to get up. By some miracle, there wasn't a lot of blood on his pants, so he decided to keep them on. Apparently, he'd already made an...impression on Kaneki by being shirtless so the last thing he needed to do was show up in there with no pants on too. _Do I really get attracted to ghouls that easily in my past?_ he wondered, exasperated as he pulled open the bathroom door and headed outside. 

The interior of the apartment was aglow with lamplight, surprising him. So Kaneki didn't wanna be in the dark with a half-ghoul? Understandable. He was just about to look for the human in his room, when Kaneki appeared in the doorway. He was holding a plain red tee in his hands and halted jerkily when he came across Shiro. "I got your shirt," he said at last. He crossed the room and held it out, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on anything but Shiro. 

"Thanks." Accepting the shirt, Shiro started to slip it over his head. As he got his arms through the sleeves, he caught Kaneki looking at him again. But this time, it wasn't guilty ogling; it was curiosity. 

"What happened?" he asked. "I mean, how'd you get your scar?"

Shiro stilled for a moment, considering. He wasn't sure why, but he didn't want to make a habit of lying to Kaneki. So he lifted the shirt up to reveal the thin scar marring his stomach. "I was attacked by a ghoul," he explained. "Like Rize. But there was an accident and we were both injured. The ghoul died, but the doctors transplanted some of its organs into me, so that I wouldn't die. That's why I am the way I am," he finished, pulling the fabric back down to cover his stomach again. 

"Whoa," Kaneki murmured. "I didn't even know someone could end up a ghoul like that." 

"I didn't either. Until it happened to me."

Kaneki's voice grew gentler. "Is that why...?" he trailed off, unsure.

Shiro tipped his head to the side. "Why what?"

"...why you do things like count backwards? You don't have to answer if you don't want to!" Kaneki added hurriedly. 

Shiro wondered if he should get angry with that, but he could tell that Kaneki wasn't trying to pry. He wanted to understand more about the monster he'd let into his home. "No," he admitted at last. "But I'd rather not talk about that."

"Oh. Okay." Kaneki nodded once. "I understand." Then he shuffled his socked feet on the floor, biting his lip. "So, do you have to, you know, eat soon? Just so I don't get in your way. I mean, you can stay the night, if you want. I just want you to know that if you do have to...eat, I won't call the CCG."

Shiro's lips parted and he stared at Kaneki. "You trust me that much?"

"I don't really have a choice, do I?" Kaneki asked, shrugging. "You saved my life. I can't kick you out onto the street."

Shiro dropped his gaze, taken aback by such blind kindness. This was what he'd been once and he hoped there was still a part of it somewhere inside of him. "Thanks," he mumbled. "And no, I don't have to eat for a little while. But I'd like to sleep here, for the night."

Kaneki broke into a smile. "No problem." He was already heading to a closet door, opening it and rummaging inside for extra blankets. "You can sleep on the couch. I don't have another mattress, sorry."

"I don't mind." Shiro saw the human fumble with a blanket and was there in moments, catching it before it fell. There was a quiet "thank you," and the two worked together well, Shiro's familiarity with the apartment helping. They had the couch ready with blankets and a spare pillow in no time. Shiro was secretly delighted to find that everything smelled like home and some kind of strawberry shampoo. Then he realized that this was the painfully human scent of Kaneki he'd caught earlier and the tips of his ears heated in shame. He shouldn't be thinking such things about his past self. It was wrong, wasn't it? 

Falling back onto the couch, he relaxed against the back cushion with a sigh. His eyes were closed for only a blissful moment before he heard Kaneki awkwardly clearing his throat. "What?" he asked, not bothering to open his eyes. 

"I've been wondering about earlier," Kaneki confessed. "During the fight. You and Rize used those things." Shiro cracked an eye open at that and saw Kaneki's cheeks tinted pink. "I dunno what they're called, but..."

"Kagune," Shiro answered simply. 

"Kagune," Kaneki repeated. "Okay. I dunno if this is personal for you, but can I maybe...?" This was followed by a funny little circle of the hands.

The pieces fit together in his mind and Shiro opened both eyes, surprised. "You wanna see them?" 

Kaneki nodded, a scared but determined set to his jaw. That was when Shiro understood. Kaneki wanted to do this not just for his own curiosity, but to prove to Shiro that he really had accepted him as a ghoul. This was what he needed to get past the fear. 

"Sure," Shiro decided in a heartbeat. Sitting up, he turned sideways on the couch and crossed his legs. "Just don't try to poke them or anything to see if they can feel because I'll tell you right now: they can and I will throw you if you pinch me."

Kaneki snickered. "I understand." Where had this lighthearted person come from? 

Bunching up his shirt a little, Shiro felt the spidery maroon veins begin to lace up his skin, blooming from the small of his back. It only took a moment for the rinkaku to form, throwing dim red light across him and Kaneki. The scales loosened from the hardened state he used for combat and he settled them atop the couch cushions, soft and curled like cat's tails.

Kaneki's gaze followed them, fascinated. "Wow." Instinct pulled his hand forward.

Shiro twitched, stopping himself from flinching away. He gaped as Kaneki skimmed careful fingertips across his kagune, cautious at first and then with growing confidence. His palm shaped to the surface of one and ran along it, the way a person would stroke cat's fur. 

How different from his earlier reaction to seeing Shiro as a ghoul for the first time.

Despite himself, Shiro felt his eyelids drooping as his body relaxed. It wasn't something he could control; petting a ghoul's kagune was like running fingers through somebody's hair. 

"They're beautiful," Kaneki murmured, retreating his hand. 

Shiro bit down a disappointed whimper and huffed a laugh instead. "I just used these to kill a ghoul," he deadpanned, "and you think they're beautiful?"

"Well, yeah," Kaneki replied. "You can't look at something and only see the bad it does. Seeing the other side of it is important too. That's what's beautiful about it."

Shiro wondered if Kaneki knew how he'd affected him with those words. Letting his kagune fade back into him, he ran a hand over his hair. "I guess you're right." Then he cleared his throat, hoping to stop any awkward silences from taking hold. "Listen, I think I'll stay here tonight and then leave tomorrow morning. There's somewhere I need to go."

"Where?"

"Anteiku. The coffeeshop where you saw Rize. There's some people there I wanna talk to."

"Okay." Kaneki nodded decisively. "I'll come with you then." 

"Excuse me?"

"I said I'll come with you."

"...Kaneki, you know you shouldn't hang around me. I'm a monster, remember?"

"No, you aren't," Kaneki argued, as though he was explaining a debate in school. "You're half-ghoul and half-human, and my friend, so it doesn't matter. I'm coming with you."

Shiro didn't know whether to feel grateful or annoyed. He didn't want to get Kaneki into any more trouble with ghouls. Anteiku was a safe place for Shiro and if he was trapped in this timeline, then he might as well make things right everywhere. He was going back to rebuild his friendships there, not drag his past self right back into a dangerous place again. But it looked like Kaneki wasn't taking no for an answer. 

"All right," he conceded. "You can come." He cut off Kaneki's smile by pointing a stern finger at him. "But don't say a word about ghouls in there. And the waitress, Touka, with the bluish hair? Don't piss her off. I'm not saving your ass a second time."


	6. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe this time, he would stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments are all so lovely, readers, and I feel very lucky to have you guys reading my story. I hope you enjoy the newest chapter! :3

Shiro had no clue where he was when he woke up. The ceiling above him was strangely familiar but new at the same time. The last thing he remembered was waking up in some strange apartment and...

  
Oh, right. He was here now. In his old apartment. With his past self.

"Why does time crap have to be so weird?" he mumbled, pushing sleep-tousled bangs out of his face. The blankets were rumpled atop him, as he tended to move in his sleep thanks to nightmares, and sunlight seeped in through the windows. Sitting up, he stretched his arms above his head and felt the muscles bend satisfyingly. On an inhale, he caught the scent of something warm and sweet coming from the kitchen. _Is Kaneki making breakfast?_ he wondered. Then he felt stupid for the twinge of hope inside of him.

He wouldn't be eating any of it, now would he? 

Sighing, he swung his legs off the side of the couch and stood up. It felt vaguely wrong to be wearing the same clothes as yesterday, but he supposed he could worry about getting more later. Like, after he managed to find a job. In the meantime, he was sure that Kaneki wouldn't mind sharing. 

When he made it to the sunbathed kitchen, the first thing he saw was Kaneki's bedhead. It was ruffled like black feathers, sticking in every direction, and honestly, Shiro had to look away. 

He couldn't remember the last time he'd thought anything was cute. 

Leaning his shoulder against the doorway, he watched as Kaneki went through the motions of making coffee and grabbing cereal. He didn't even know that Shiro was there until he turned around and then nearly had a heart attack. "Crap—! God," he gasped, setting the box of cereal down with a thump on the little kitchen table. "You scared me."

"Sorry," Shiro chuckled. "Guess I forgot how scary I can look to human now."

"You don't _look_ scary," Kaneki replied pointedly. "I just wasn't expecting you to be there. You're really quiet, you know." Turning to the coffeemaker, he retrieved a mug and poured in some of the steaming liquid. Shiro brightened in interest and Kaneki glanced at him, the corner of his mouth curving up. "You want some?"

Shiro nodded, crossing the room to find his own mug among the others in the cupboard. Kaneki's eyes were on him as he went through the regular ritual of morning coffee. "You drink coffee?" he asked.

  
"Yeah," Shiro answered. "I'm not entirely sure how it works, but ghouls can get away with drinking coffee without spitting it back up. That's why Rize was hanging out at a coffeeshop."

Kaneki's brow furrowed. "Why would you spit it back up?"

Shiro studied him for a second, cupping his warm mug in his hands. "How much do you know about ghouls?"

"Just what I hear on the news and from Hide, who isn't all that reliable sometimes," Kaneki replied with a shrug. "I haven't been watching TV much the past few days, though, so..."

Sipping his coffee (not as good as Anteiku's, but good enough), Shiro explained, "ghouls can't eat food because it tastes disgusting to them. It also isn't very good for our digestive systems, so it's not a great idea to try and choke it down anyway."

Kaneki stopped in the process of reaching for a bowl from an open cupboard. "So you're forced to eat people, even if you don't want to?"

"Yeah."

"That must've been hard."

Shiro slid his gaze off to the side. Pity wasn't an emotion he was familiar with."It was."

Guessing that he shouldn't pursue the topic any farther, Kaneki stood on tiptoe to get his bowl. His fingers found the edge of it, but as he lowered it down, it caught on the edge of the shelf. His sharp gasp hit Shiro's ears, a spike of adrenaline making his eye turn, and he moved on reflex. His mug was on the counter in half a second, hand shooting up to catch the bowl, and the other on Kaneki's shoulder to steady him. Kaneki's grey eyes were wide, unable to follow how fast Shiro had moved.

"Thanks," he managed. 

"No prob—"

"Kaneki! What's up, I texted you, like, four times last night!"

The bright voice was all the warning they received before a very lively blonde skipped into the doorway with orange headphones around his neck. Hide's cheerful smile lasted a total of three seconds. That was how long it took for him to spot Shiro. Then his jaw dropped open. "Holy shit, you're a _ghoul_?!"

"Wha—No!" Kaneki denied, holding his hands out to Hide like he could stop him from seeing this.

Shiro, meanwhile, had proceeded to basically slap himself in the face with the speed it took to cover his turned eye. "It's not what it looks like!" he babbled, and immediately wanted to hit himself again. _My best friend sees me as a ghoul and that's what I come up with?  
_

Hide gawked throughout a good-sized speech from Kaneki about how "Shiro wasn't that bad, he used to be human, he saved me, he won't eat you, I swear," and whole lot of assorted, stammered nonsense. But near the end, Hide broke into another one of his thousand-watt grins and Shiro felt his heart pound painfully inside of him. "I can't believe I'm in the same room as a ghoul and I'm not dead," Hide declared, as though this was the best thing that had ever happened to him. 

Kaneki opened his mouth to speak, thought better of it, and closed it again. "You're not...freaking out?" he ventured.

"Why would I freak out? I mean, I'd freak out if he was like, chewing on your neck or something, but I already met him before. You said he _saved_ you?" Hide's brown eyes, alive with excitement, flicked to Shiro. "You fought another ghoul, and Kaneki saw it, and I didn't?"

Carefully, Shiro lowered his hand from his now-normal eye. "And you're upset by that?" he asked.

"Well, yeah!" Hide threw his arms up. "The one time something amazingly cool happens to Kaneki and I wasn't there to see it!"

"Hey!" Kaneki protested. "A lot of cool things happen to me!"

"Name one other thing." 

"..."

"Exactly." Hide planted his hands on the table and leaned forward eagerly. "So, what was it like?" he asked Shiro. "Did you get hurt? Do ghouls heal super fast? Do you have those tentacle-thingies?"

Shiro's mind reeled. "Um," he answered, "it was tiring, yes I got hurt, I heal fast and some other ghouls do, and yes I have 'those tentacle-thingies.'" 

Honestly, all of this stress this early in the morning was starting to form a headache. But behind it was the overwhelming relief that Hide was so quick to accept him, though he was sure that if he'd been hurting Kaneki, the reaction would've been much different. His heart warmed at the thought of his friend accepting him so easily, even in this life.

"Awesome!" Hide beamed at both Kaneki and Shiro. "Kaneki, we now have a ghoul as our personal body guard."

"Do I get paid?" Shiro asked wryly. 

Hide spread his arms in a gesture of bravado. "Your payment is our devoted friendship, and also coffee." 

Hiding his growing smile behind his mug, Shiro casually drank his coffee. "I'd rather be paid in food, honestly," he joked.

Hide rubbed his chin, narrowing his eyes in Kaneki's direction. "That can be arranged..."

"He wouldn't eat me!" Kaneki spluttered, almost spilling the entire box of cereal into his bowl. His gaze flitted to Shiro, jokingly suspicious. "You wouldn't, right?"

Shiro flashed a dark smirk. "Maybe." 

Snickering at Kaneki's horrified expression, Hide pointed proudly at the half-ghoul. "You are officially my best friend."

They were off to a great start.

The great start continued as Hide stayed around through Kaneki's and Shiro's showers, chatting with both about how awesome it was that they were now friends with a ghoul. Kaneki pointed out several times that they were technically breaking the law by not calling the CCG, but Hide didn't seem to care. He brushed the argument off, claiming that the CCG were for ghoul crimes, not for ghouls themselves, and "besides, Shiro is only half a ghoul, so he doesn't count."

Shiro decided it was best not to argue with this. As much as he hated posing a certain amount of danger for them, he really didn't want to go back to his life, alone. Living in a new timeline was going to be hard enough. Living it completely alone would be a whole other problem. Hair still shower-damp, he kept on the black sweatpants he'd bought and stole an old college tee from Kaneki's closet. He would try not to borrow clothes as much as he could, but for now, it was just easier to take Kaneki's. 

The three headed out together, into sunlight and crowded streets, heading for Anteiku. The barrage of mingling scents hit Shiro like a bus. Sometimes, he wasn't quite used to how his heightened senses worked. Wrinkling his nose, he did his best to sort it all out: warm smells of food, the stomach-churning smell of humans, and the bloodied and dark scents from ghouls. Figuring that he should be protective of the humans close to him, Shiro decided to map out Kaneki's and Hide's scents now. Hide strolled idly along behind them with his headphones on; he smelled homey and sunlit, a familiar anchor in Shiro's mind. It took him a moment to realize that the lovely soft scent next to him belonged to Kaneki. 

_I really need to stop smelling him_ , he scolded himself. 

Up ahead, a guy in clothes mainly consisting of leather strode down the sidewalk. His powerful pace and sharp eyes would've told Shiro he was a ghoul if his scent hadn't already. Either way, he was making to pass by them, but doing it entirely too close. Before he knew it, Shiro had hooked his fingers in the back of Kaneki's shirt and tugged him closer to his side.Their shoulders brushed and Kaneki blinked up at him questioningly. "What?"

Shiro watched through narrowed eyes as the ghoul passed. "Nothing," he replied, relaxing once more. His knuckles grazed Kaneki's back through his shirt and he thought he felt the human shiver. Catching himself, Shiro let go and put his hands into his pockets. 

He hoped Hide didn't notice his ears turning pink from his place behind them. 

"Yes!" Hide cheered, as soon as they set foot into the coffeeshop's warm-colored interior. "Coffee! Don't mind if I do!" Pushing his headphones back to his neck, he waved at the only waitress standing behind the counter at the moment. "Excuse me, can I order?"

Of course it was Touka, Shiro thought amusedly, as the girl sent a glare Hide's way. "Yes, you can order," she told him, at the slow pace one spoke to toddlers with. "Just stop shouting before you give everyone a headache." "Everyone" meant the only other customers in there today, a couple chatting together at a side table. Shiro was glad that only the girl seemed human and he wouldn't have to worry nearly as much about being caught.

As soon as he'd seated himself at the counter beside Kaneki, Touka's uncovered eye was on him. "Hey," she said curtly, as she busied herself with the making of Hide's coffee. "You were in here the other day, weren't you?"

"Yeah," Shiro answered. He ached to tell her everything that happened to him, to apologize, to have someone else to confide in about this mess of time and his heart. But she didn't know him. So he tried for a warm smile. "I'm Shiro. This is Kaneki."

She arched a brow, glancing between the human and ghoul. "I'm Touka. And if you're trying to set me up with your friend here, you can forget about it."

Kaneki promptly began to study his shoes, or the countertop, or anything that wasn't her face. "No, I wasn't trying to do anything like that," Shiro assured her at once. Sparing a look over at the human girl in the shop, he took a breath and lowered his voice. "Listen, um. I'm a ghoul, and I know that you know that, and I also know that you help ghouls here. I wanted t—"

"Are you an idiot?" she hissed, planting a hand on the counter with blue eyes blazing. "You have a freaking human sitting _right next to you."_

"I already knew," Kaneki piped up. Her gaze jerked to him, narrowing in suspicion. He pointed embarrassedly to Hide, who was trying to see if he could make his stool spin the whole way around while drinking his coffee. "Hide knows too. Shiro sort of stopped another ghoul from eating me."

"I heard it was epic," Hide put in.

Touka looked at the three like she was sitting in a very disturbing circus."So...the three of you are friends now," she concluded. She pointed two fingers at Kaneki and Hide. "And you two are fine with the fact that he literally eats people?"

"As long as it's not me, because that would suck," Hide replied with another casual sip of his coffee.

"I—I think I'll be good, but I can't watch him eat or something," Kaneki stammered.

Touka lifted her arms up in a _hey, as long as it doesn't affect me, knock yourselves out_. "Okay, well," she huffed, returning to swiping a rag across the counter, "it's your funeral."

"I'm not gonna eat them," Shiro told her, voice flat. Realizing the turn this conversation had taken, he rubbed the back of his neck. "Listen, I swear I didn't come here just to bother you with all of this. I came because, um, they're my friends and they're not gonna be safe with me around all the time. I need a job and I need somewhere to stay if things don't work out for me." _If Rize ends up surviving, or if Jason catches her scent and comes looking._

An uncomfortable silence descended, broken by the conversation occurring between the couple at the side table. Kaneki's gaze was trained on Shiro, a mix of something like pity and surprise in his features. Touka opened her mouth, then closed it, thinking. A line appeared between her eyebrows, the one that always came when she was trying to decide something. Finally, she sighed. "All right, listen. I can't offer you a job myself. You have to talk to the manager. But we do help ghouls when they come to us, so I can't imagine that he'll turn you away. But if he does," she added importantly, "you have to go, no questions asked. We can't put anyone here in too much danger; otherwise, the CCG would find us and we'd be done. So don't fool around. Understand?"

"I understand." He did. Even though he couldn't remember all of it, he was sure that in his old life, he'd left Anteiku to keep them safe. He'd do it again in a heartbeat, if he had to. 

"Good." Folding up her rag, she pushed it aside and took a breath to continue. 

Unfortunately, she barely got a sentence out before the back door of the shop was swinging open and shoes skipped across the hardwood floor. "C'mon, Mom! I wanna go see if Touka will come with us today!" 

Shiro froze as a soft voice called back from somewhere behind the door. "In a minute, Hinami! I have to get my coat and you should too!"

"I'll be fine!" came the happy answer, and then a little girl rounded the counter. She paused at the sight of newcomers, brown eyes as innocent as a fawn's. She was autumn incarnate in a pale orange dress and with short hair the color of turned leaves. When she smiled, Shiro's world lightened. "Hi! Are you Touka's friends?"

"We just met, actually," Touka told her, with a look shot at Shiro: you upset her, I'll kill you. "Guys, this is Hinami. She's been staying with us for a little while."

Hinami waved and Kaneki returned the gesture with a small smile. "Hi, Hinami. I'm Kaneki and—" 

"And I'm Hide!" Hide announced, craning his neck to get a glimpse of her around Kaneki. "The fun one!"

Giggling at his antics, Hinami settled her gaze on Shiro next. "What's your name?"

_Blood spattering the pavement, her cries muffled in his palm, slicing and breaking, his tears falling against his will.._. "Shiro," he answered numbly. Then half a smile played across his mouth. "The unfun one."

Her bright grin hit him somewhere in his heart that he thought had died out long ago. "Cool!" Rocking back on her heels, she touched a finger to her chin and studied him critically. "Touka doesn't like a lot of fun either," she commented, ignoring Touka's indignant mumble. "Are you her boyfriend?"

Shiro and Touka shared a glance, ending with her pointedly turning away. "No," she said. "He's not." 

_Are you blushing?_ Shiro hid his grin behind one hand. His shy and clumsy old self would've freaked to find out that the fiery ghoul found him attractive. He'd never let her live this down.

"Oh." Hinami sounded disappointed, a young girl looking for romance in real life instead of written on pages. She peered over at Kaneki. "You're all blushy, Kaneki," she laughed. "Is Shiro YOUR boyfriend?"

"No!" Kaneki yelped so fast that Shiro glanced at him with eyebrows raised. Seeing the faintly offended expression, the human rushed to continue, "I mean... I don't mean that no one would, uh, date you, I just—I wouldn't. Not that it'd be bad to date you!" he added, as Shiro started to say something. "It's not like you're unattractive or anything; you are, I'm, er, crap, I didn't mean to say that. That was weird, um. Yeah. We're not dating," he finished weakly. Hide buried his face into his coffee cup to smother incoherent snickers.

Hinami just laughed again at the fumbling for words, clearing enjoying herself too much. Meanwhile, Shiro had turned away from Kaneki and became very interested in studying the windows across from him. There was no way in hell he would let Kaneki see the dopey smile that had spread across his face during the stammering speech. Dear God, he hated himself right now.

"Wow," Touka remarked, dripping sarcasm. "I kinda wish you did eat him now."


	7. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't get too close to monsters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, I'm sorry for such a long wait! Your comments have been lovely and I'm so thankful to have such amazing readers. Anyway, this chapter was written in short bursts, so I apologize if that affects any of the writing. The next chapter shall be better (I hope). For now, enjoy! :3

Shiro felt stupid for being so nervous. 

He couldn't remember the last time he'd sat in this room at Anteiku, waiting for the manager to arrive and ask him about a job. He wasn't expecting anything like the average job interview. After all, Yoshimura focused on helping other ghouls, not on how well they could make coffee. 

_I already know how anyway,_ Shiro thought, perched on a couch with hands linked in front of him. _I guess that'll surprise him, if I get the job._

The click of the door opening pulled him out of his thoughts and he turned to see the tall form of Yoshimura filling the doorway. Shiro's heart ached. The older man looked exactly how he'd remembered him, grey hair combed neatly back and age-lined face kind. Shiro wished there was some way to let him know how much he'd helped Shiro, but he knew there wasn't. He stood up as the manager entered, more out of habit than anything else. 

Yoshimura raised a hand reassuringly. "Please, sit," he said, the voice like turning old book pages. "There's no need to be so formal. You're not exactly dressed for a formal job interview, after all." The last part was added in amusement, and Shiro glanced down at his sweatpants-and-T-shirt combination with a grimace. 

"I know. Sorry," he apologized sheepishly. 

"No, no, it's nothing to worry about. I'm more concerned about your reason for coming to us." Closing the door, Yoshimura crossed the room in easy strides and took a seat on the couch across from Shiro. Shiro sat too, his nerves settling as the familiar atmosphere fell into place around him. "Now," the manager began, lifting his eyes to Shiro's face. "Why don't you tell me why you need our help?" 

Shiro didn't know what it was about the question—maybe the encouraging way it was said or the familiar kindness in Yoshimura's gaze—but next thing he knew, it was all pouring out of him. Not the time-travel, of course, but everything else: how he'd been transformed into a half-ghoul, how he'd struggled to grow in this new life, how alone he was. The only things he withheld were the details of his torture. There was no way he could confess that without using Jason's name and besides, that was something that Shiro never dared to speak of. 

Yoshimura listened attentively the whole time and didn't question a thing. But his gaze did travel from Shiro's white hair down to the blackened nails, emotions unreadable. Then again, people tended to react that way a lot when faced with his strange features. 

"So you have your own apartment here in the city?" he asked, head cocked.

Shiro nodded. 

"That's good. We don't have as much room here as we used to, now that Hinami and her mother are staying here, along with Touka." He brought a hand to his chin thoughtfully. "I understand why you've come here. I can respect the fact that you don't want to cause any more danger for your friends." Then a soft smile turned his lips up. "I can offer you a job, but I hope you're prepared to train with Touka. She can be difficult with newcomers."

"I've noticed," Shiro joked. "I don't have a problem with that."

"And I'm sure she spoke to you about our policy here at Anteiku," Yoshimura added. "We won't turn away ghouls who need our help, but we help them discreetly. We can't have any dangerous ghouls jeopardizing the rest of us who want to live in peace."

"I understand." _Live in peace_ , Shiro thought wryly. He hoped that that was possible for him. 

With an air of finality, the manager stood, slow with the bend of old joints. "Well then," he smiled, "let's get you settled in."

The term "settled in" translated to finding a work uniform for Shiro. Of course, he was used to wearing them, so it was nothing for him to find one in the right size. Clothes folded the clothes over his arm, he walked down the narrow hallway of Anteiku to find a bathroom to change in. He just needed to double-check that the uniform was all right and then he'd be set. A few steps down, he became aware of another set of footsteps tapping against the wooden floor ahead of him. Glancing up, he felt the breath catch in his lungs.

A woman was walking toward him, steps brisk and Hinami's coat in her arms. Long brown hair swept out behind her and she had the tired features of someone who had been worrying for far too long. Her gaze snagged his. "Oh—hello," she greeted kindly. "You must be the one Yoshimura was talking to."

"Yeah," Shiro answered, hardly daring to breathe. He could still see her husband's kagune ripping her to pieces. "My name's Shiro. I think I met your daughter earlier; she was really excited to go out today."

"Fueguchi Ryouko," she introduced herself. "Please, feel free to call me Ryouko, though. I don't like things to be so formal here." Her face lit softly with a gentle smile. "And yes, Hinami does love to get out of the cafe once in a while. I had to grab her coat for her. If she had it her way, she'd leave without it every time." 

"She really likes going out then?" he asked, even though he already knew. He needed to talk to her. The fact that she was here, right now, was keeping the tears from falling.

"Yes, she does. She loves reading and anytime a new book comes out, she decides that she has to have it." A solemn cloud fogged her expression slightly. "It also helps her, to be out and going somewhere, rather than sitting in here with nothing to do." 

"I can understand that." Shiro could see the concern in her and the fear for her husband. But he didn't ask her about it. He already knew anyway, and he wouldn't worsen her fear. "It's nice that you do this for her." 

Ryouko's sad smile widened a fraction, making him immediately glad to have said it. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Shiro," she told him. "I better catch up to her now, or I never will."

"Yeah," he chuckled, stepping aside to let her pass. "It was nice to meet you, too."

Then she was past him, shoes patting quietly against the hardwood floors. He watched her go and though he had never had any sort of god help him before, he found himself praying for someone to keep her safe. He would tear any CCG officer apart if they dared to try and steal her away from Anteiku and her daughter again. 

The hall bathroom was smaller than the ones attached to the bedrooms, but not uncomfortably cramped. Shiro closed the door with a click behind him and settled the clothes atop the sink's ledge. The mirror above stared at him, devoid of Rize. For the first time in a while, he looked only at himself. The pale hair, dull ashen eyes, the bloodlust and disease hidden behind those eyes. He was an animal. But he could also be like a better person, someone like Kaneki. He wanted to be that more than anything. 

It took a few minutes to try on the uniform, which consisted of black slacks, a crisp button-down, and a grey waistcoat over that. _I look normal,_ he thought, looking over himself after ditching the whole sweatpants-and-old-shirt thing. _Well, like a normal person with really bleached hair._

Figuring that he'd better go let the manager know that he was ready to work anytime, he took the doorknob in his hand again. He nearly had a heart attack when he began to open it and collided directly with another person. His forehead bumped into someone else's and he was sure that he'd stepped on their foot. "Ow!" a very familiar voice squeaked. Shiro's heart jumped, just as he found himself looking straight at Kaneki's stunned face. The human's eyes were wide, hand out to steady himself against something and ending up on Shiro's side. 

There wasn't nearly enough space between them. 

Kaneki's palm sent heat through the layers of Shiro's clothing. Somewhere deep inside of him, he realized that he was holding his breath. "Sorry," Kaneki managed, an apology in his expression, but some other emotion in his eyes.

"Don't worry about it," Shiro replied numbly. The doorframe was digging into his back and he kinda wanted to move, but he also kinda wanted to stay here and feel Kaneki's fingers curling in the fabric of his waistcoat. 

Warmth colored Kaneki's face and he cleared his throat awkwardly. "Is that the uniform they gave you?" he asked. His voice sounded like it had to be pushed out of him.

Shiro just nodded, because talking felt like a mistake right now. 

Kaneki's gaze raked over him, then darted away. "Y—you look good," he remarked, words small and tentative. It had taken an overwhelming amount of courage for him to get them out in the open. 

_Dammit, don't look at me like that._ Shiro couldn't trust himself to say anything that would possibly fix this mess. So he stayed still, long enough for Kaneki to bit his lip worriedly, an idea stuck in his mind. Long enough for him to tip his chin up and show the sure lines of his collarbone as he inched forward, and shit, was he going to—?

Rize's giggle bounced against the inside of Shiro's brain. _Looks like someone has a crush_ , she sang, and like a train wreck, Shiro remembered who he was and what he was doing. He turned his head to the side, avoiding any eye contact. "I gotta go," he muttered. 

The hand at his side fell away faster than a blink. He could practically feel the embarrassment radiating off of Kaneki now. "Yeah, okay." Shuffling his feet, he moved a decent distance away from Shiro. "You probably have to start work and stuff, so..."

Shit, now he felt guilty. He was too much of a sucker for Kaneki's downcast face. Summoning up a smile, he brought the human's attention to him again. "See you later," he tried, and allowed a bit of genuine fondness to leak out into his words.

Kaneki's answering smile was worth it. But Shiro still hurried out into the hallway as fast as possible and paused halfway down it to lean against a wall. Why was he so stupid? He brought his hands to his forehead and pushed the hair back from his face. He was acting like an idiot, letting Kaneki get to him like that. Rize was no help whatsoever either, but that wasn't new.

Bitingly, he snapped at her, _it's not his fault if he has a crush on me_.

Her only reply was a snarky, _I wasn't talking about_ him _having a crush_. 

He bit the inside of his cheek and told himself that she wasn't right.

**_XxxxxxX_ **

Kaneki thoroughly scolded himself the second he was alone with his thoughts. He couldn't comprehend why he had to act so idiotic every single time he was faced with a crush. He wasn't even bothering to deny it now; he was starting to get a maybe-tiny, sorta, kinda crush on a half-ghoul. Apparently, he never learned from his mistakes.

_But you don't know much about him and it's obvious that he's not interested_ , Kaneki thought sternly, as he washed his hands and tried to ignore the folded clothes atop the sink next to him. It was tempting, he would admit, to see his shirt that Shiro had been wearing all day sitting right there. His fingers itched and he buried them in a towel to hide them. Kaneki's shirt looked great on Shiro, outlining every one of the ghoul's lithe muscles. It probably smelled like him too. 

"Oh my god, shut up," Kaneki mumbled, rubbing at a headache forming near his temple. He had to start thinking of Shiro as a friend. There were certain things friends did not do with other friends. They did not imagine their friends in their clothes, they did not crush on their friends, and they did not remember how amazing their friends looked in a new work uniform. "I'm just gonna kill myself and save him the effort," he decided. Then he squared his shoulders and left the bathroom with a new resolve: no fawning over Shiro. No more awkward fumbles. Period.

When he made it out to the hall, the first thing he did was step on Touka's foot. 

She'd been walking past with an armful of trays, planning on stocking them up in the shop. Said trays clattered in her arms as she struggled to keep a hold on them, while Kaneki tried not to trip over her foot. "Shit!" she snapped. "Would you watch it?"

"I'm sorry!" he yelped, righting himself and reaching for the wobbling trays. "I didn't see you!"

"I can tell!" Grabbing a tray before it could topple to the ground, she blew a lock of midnight hair from her view. "Don't you have to go back to your friend or something?" she demanded. 

"What do you mean?"

"Hide, or whatever his name is. He keeps trying to balance teacups on his head!"

Kaneki groaned in despair. This day kept getting worse. "I'll tell him to stop," he sighed, scratching the back of his head glumly.

Touka must've noticed, because she paused and scrutinized him from over her load of trays. A trace of sympathy softened her around the edges. "Hey," she said, still rough but not the bark of anger from before. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he answered, bewildered. "Why?"

"You're acting weird. Is it about Hide?" Blowing out a hard exhale, she sent a glance to the ceiling. "He wasn't acting that bad, okay? I was more mad about you stepping on me."

Kaneki raised his arms in denial. "No, it's not him. It's, uh..."

"You don't like being around so many ghouls?"

"No. You guys aren't that bad."

A half-smile graced her lips. But then, "is it Shiro?"

"No!" he yelped too fast, then instantly wanted to punch himself.

She cocked a hip, weight sinking onto one leg. "You sure?"

He could tell that she was going to see right through him, no matter what he said. Kaneki had always been way too readable. He fiddled with the zipper on his favorite blue jacket, stalling. "Okay, it might...have something to do with him," he confessed.

"The fact that he's your friend and he's a ghoul?" she guessed.

"No, I mean... Like I said, I really don't mind that anyone is a ghoul," he told her. "Everyone here has been so nice to me and Hide, and you made me see that there's, I dunno, another side to you guys." A half-smile played across his lips. "I'm not nearly as terrified as I used to be."

"You should be," she advised, though with a playful tilt to her mouth. "You haven't met some of the worst ones yet."

Unbidden, the image of Rize's bloodstained face flashed in Kaneki's mind. "But I have," he murmured. "And Shiro saved me. But, Touka, something's wrong with him."

"What d'you mean?"

"He does weird things sometimes and he gets this look." A shudder crawled down his spine at the memory. "It's like he doesn't even see me."

"So, he had a bad past," she concluded with a shrug. "It happens sometimes. What's the big deal?"

This was the tricky part. Kaneki pulled at the hem of his jacket, suddenly very interested in the state of his shoes. "...I—I think I might be getting a crush on him." Then he hurried to add, "and I don't wanna get, you know, involved with someone without knowing them enough. I feel like I don't know him right now. I dunno. I think I'm being stupid."

"Frankly, I'm surprised you can even consider seeing a ghoul, after your first try," she remarked. Kaneki's head jerked up and she rolled her eyes. "Hide told me about your 'date.' I had to hear every gory made-up detail from him. But listen." Adjusting the trays in her grasp, she fixed him with a serious blue gaze. "If you really think that something's off about Shiro, I'd wait. Don't try to force anything until he's ready to tell you. Okay?"

Pleasantly taken off-guard by the sparky ghoul's advice, Kaneki answered with a tiny smile. "Okay. Thanks, Touka."

"Yeah, whatever," she huffed, happy-advice-giving gone and waved a hand at him in an absent farewell. "Just don't get yourself killed by him, 'cause right now, it sounds like he could kick your ass. I'd rather not deal with that."

"I'll try," he deadpanned. He supposed he should feel grateful; she had hinted that if Shiro attacked him, she would "deal with it." At least he knew she wouldn't stand back and watch. That antsy wriggling inside of him still hadn't left, however. It was the slightest dark feeling that something was off about the half-ghoul he'd let himself befriend. Glancing over his shoulder into the coffeeshop, he glimpsed the flash of white hair from behind the counter and his heartbeat skipped. _I'll try_.


	8. Vulnerable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He would never admit how much of a weakness he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking so long in updating! School has been crazy lately. But I finally got this out and I hope you still like it! All of your comments were so thoughtful and I loved readying every one of them. Thank you all so much! Please feel free to tell me what you liked about the latest chapter and maybe what you wanna see later :)

Working in Anteiku fell back into Shiro's life as easy as breathing. He became used to the routine again, preparing and serving coffee so fast that sometimes, Touka sent him suspicious looks. He wondered if he should slow down, but some days there was such a rush in the shop that he couldn't help it. 

Once in a while, he'd catch sight of a familiar face from his college years and a flash of nostalgia left a bitter taste in his mouth. Seeing people he didn't really care for didn't cause the same remembering that seeing Hide or Touka did. He shared playful jabs with the ghoul behind the counter and often found himself searching for Hide's blonde hair among a crowd. He liked the warm way they made him feel, as though he had found a little bit of a home in this new life of his. 

He caught himself looking for Kaneki quite a bit too. For some odd reason, Kaneki hadn't been coming into the shop as much as he had when Shiro first started, a few days ago. Shiro couldn't think of anything he'd done to offend the human, so he assumed it was because of lingering fear over being around so many different ghouls in one place.   
That didn't stop the disappointment from hovering in his consciousness every time he searched for Kaneki's face in a line of customers. 

_I should be happy_ , he told himself, as he set down a stack of clean mugs with a clack against the dark wooden countertop. _Now, he won't be in any more danger by being near me._

His shift was close to ending—thank God—and he only had one more customer to check on; a blonde female ghoul sitting in a corner. She was definitely a suspicious one, scarlet nails tapping thoughtfully on her mug as she surveyed a human sitting at the table in front of her. The glint in those icy blue eyes spoke of hunger. Shiro had served her earlier and planned on staying out of her business, until Touka heard of his plan. She then berated him for acting like a moron and insisted that he go over and check up on her before she left, "because we didn't need ghouls in here planning their dinner arrangements."

It was dangerous to have a ghoul planning on, erm, eating so close to Anteiku. Word could spread to the CCG and the last thing they needed were investigators snooping around a coffeeshop full of ghouls. 

Shiro sighed, setting down a tray of emptied coffee mugs at the counter, and vowed to take a nap as soon as this day was over.

The girl glanced up when he made his way over, momentarily distracted from her prey. "Hi, again," she said, the words light as feathers.

"Hi," he replied flatly. She had a question on her tongue, he could tell, and he really had no interest in learning what it was. "Is there anything else you need?" Probably not the most polite way to ask.

"Oh, no, I'm fine." She touched a fingertip to the rim of her mug, teeth flashing white in her smile. "But I was wondering something." Leaning forward conspiratorially, she went on, "what's it like, working here with all of the...?" Her sentence trailed off with a wave of her finger, to indicate all of the humans surrounding them.

"We don't talk about that," he answered. 

"I guess you can't, not with them all around. But it must be easy to get a snack, though, isn't it?" Her smile turned deadly.

Folding his arms behind his back, Shiro cracked one of his knuckles. "I don't eat here," he told her, each word succinct.

Her bottom lip pushed forward into a pout. "You can't tell me you haven't tried at least once," she purred flirtatiously. "Human girls must throw themselves at you all the time."

"I haven't tried and I don't plan to."

"Aw, c'mon..."

"Are you done?"

She scrutinized him for a long minute, evidently not used to not getting her way. Then she exhaled lightly and nodded. "Fine," she said, handing him her empty mug and standing up. Her pale eyes swept over him from under a fringe of blonde. "But if you ever change your mind, you can always find me." The last bit was thrown to him over her shoulder, as she stalked confidently out the door. The bell dinged as the door fell shut behind her and Shiro swore he heard a guy in the corner sigh dreamily.

_Idiots_ , he thought, taking his tray with her added mug atop it to the counter. He set it in its place with the others and glanced around for Touka. She was at the other end of the counter, wiping a rag around the rim of a cup. When their gazes met, she blew at the bangs in her face and jerked her head toward the back of the shop: _fine, you're done. Get out of here._

"Great," Shiro cheered under his breath, "I need to get out of this uniform now." He was already tugging at the collar when he disappeared into the back of the store.

Unfortunately, he had left too soon and missed the tentative black-haired boy edging into the shop at that moment.

Kaneki had told himself multiple times that this was not a good idea. He was a human; Shiro was a half-ghoul. Any sort of attraction he might feel should not be messed with by coming here. Why? Because one: he didn't know what a future with a ghoul could possibly be and two: he was one-hundred-and-one percent sure that no one in their right mind would be attracted to him. 

People tended not to be attracted to nerdy, quiet bookworms.

Yet, here he was. Wearing his damn favorite blue-and-black jacket because he thought he'd seen Shiro staring at him in it once. He was even letting him decide his clothing choices, for God's sake.

"I should leave," he whispered to himself, bell on the door chiming as it shut again behind him. "I should definitely leave." He continued to chant it in his mind as he cautiously made his way across the shop, sparing glances left and right in search of a certain white-haired employee. His hopes sank when he realized that Shiro was nowhere to be found. Well, he'd gone through the trouble of showing up. He could wait for a short while. 

Choosing a barstool near the center of the counter, he perched on the edge of it like a child waiting at a doctor's office. Touka seemed to have a radar for terrified dorks because he'd been there for roughly a second before her icy gaze was searing into his. "Oh, hey," she said, not unkindly but not exactly kind either. "You're back."

"Yep," he replied with a wobbly smile. 

"Kaneki, right?"

"Yeah."

"You want some coffee?"

Nose scrunching up, he asked, "are you like that with all of your customers? N—not that it's bad!" he added quickly.

"Nah," she answered with half a shrug. "Only with friends." If her voice softened at all in that sentence, he was sure she would deny it until the end. But he still thought he caught it there.

"Oh," he laughed, glad to think of this sparky, independent girl as his friend. "In that case I'll have—I'll have—um, oh." This was the embarrassing floundering of his sentence that resulted from a back door clicking open. Kaneki's mouth snapped shut as Shiro slipped out into the shop. He wasn't wearing his uniform, but he also wasn't wearing those sleepy-looking sweatpants. _Are those skinny jeans?!_ Kaneki thought swooningly. 

Before any of these mortifying thoughts could be stammered out, those wintry eyes found him. Shiro stopped mid-step, lips parting as though surprised by Kaneki's appearance. Kaneki stilled at the lightening in Shiro's expression; no, not surprised. Happy. 

"Hi," he said, curling his fingers under the edge of the barstool. 

"Hey." Shiro rounded the counter and Kaneki was stupidly delighted when he took the seat right next to his. His elbow resting on the edge of the countertop, Shiro's mouth slanted into an almost-smile. "What're you doing here?" 

Kaneki _loved_ the way Shiro smiled. It was always nervous, slow, something coaxed from him. It was like he tried not to, and it was a victory when Kaneki won it from him. "I like it here," he replied. "I used to come back before I knew about you guys, so why stop now?"

"Because I'm a bitch when I'm hungry," Touka joked in a lowered voice, though her sarcasm made it hard to tell if she was really joking. She glanced between the two and then left them to it, going to see to other work.

Shiro grimaced. "She is."

"You're not very good at making me feel better about all this," Kaneki pointed out, amused.

"You shouldn't feel better. You should want to stay away." There was no anger or annoyance, just a simple truth. Shiro rested his chin on his hand and sent his gaze into that far-off place again. "We're not good for you, Kaneki."

Kaneki tilted his head, wanting to catch Shiro's gaze again. He didn't want it like this. "I don't think Touka's that bad. And the manager was—"

"I'm not good for you," Shiro interrupted softly, and Kaneki was sure that he wasn't meant to hear it. Shiro's gaze met his, realizing that he'd heard, and then dropped away. 

An uncertain smile touched Kaneki's lips."You've been a good friend," he ventured. 

"Yeah." Unconvinced, Shiro watched his index finger bend around the middle one, cracking it. 

"You are," Kaneki insisted.

"Mmhm."

"Listen, Shiro." Kaneki's gaze pleaded with him. "You helped me when you barely knew me, and you saved me, and you introduced me to—to..." He broke off, the conversation losing steam as he noticed the relaxing in Shiro's shoulders at his words, even if it was slight. There was also... He examined Shiro a few times, then started again in shock. "I'm sorry, is that my shirt?"

Eyebrows lifting, Shiro glanced down at the red long-sleeved shirt he had on. "Oh. Yeah, sorry. I think I stole it the last time I was at your place."

"It's fine, I don't mind," Kaneki assured him, trying and failing to keep from admiring the steely outlines of muscle his too-small shirt showed on Shiro. It made his heart flutter to think about what he already knew Shiro hid under that shirt. 

There was a pointed sound of someone clearing his throat and Kaneki's pulse hammered when he saw Shiro's knowing smirk. "What?" Kaneki asked, defensive despite being caught. 

"Nothing." Shiro gazed off into the corner again. But that damn smirk didn't leave his mouth and it drove Kaneki mad. 

A burst of sudden courage made Kaneki lean forward, a question on his lips. "Hey, do you want to—?"

It never made it entirely out into the air. The twinkle of the coffeeshop's bell sounded as the door was opened and shoes tapped gracefully across the floor. Kaneki noticed the way Shiro's fingers tensed as they propped up his chin and the half-ghoul straightened minutely. Puzzled, Kaneki opened his mouth to ask what was wrong when someone passing by bumped into him. He snagged a gasp of some rich scent and then a silk-laden voice ribboned in the air beside him. 

"So sorry, _mon ami_ , I didn't see you there." 

Kaneki responded with a smile and a ready reassurance. "Oh, no, it's fine—" His smile faltered. He couldn't help it. He hadn't expected to come face-to-face with a tall, handsome stranger in fitted slacks and with a flawless smile. Somewhere in his mind, it registered that his purple button-down matched his hair, but somehow it didn't look that bad on him. In fact, it didn't look bad at all. 

"Please, don't let me interrupt your conversation," the man replied in his lavender voice. "I'd hate to intrude." Dusky eyes traveled over to Shiro's unmoving form as his hand settled on Kaneki's shoulder. The grip was light, friendly, but Shiro twitched irritably. 

Kaneki shot him a look, wondering why he was acting so rude and ignoring this perfectly nice stranger. "It's really okay," he assured again. "It's crowded, after all. I'm sure it was hard to get past all those people." Then he added, "I'm Kaneki."

"Tsukiyama Shuu," the stranger introduced smoothly. 

"So you're French?"

An amused and delighted curve appeared to Tsukiyama's lips. " _Oui_. How delightful of you to notice."

" _Shut up,_ " Shiro muttered in Kaneki's direction, hissing it behind his hand.

"Why?" Kaneki asked, louder. Frankly, Shiro was acting like a child. The half-ghoul glared daggers at him, but Kaneki ignored it. "Sorry, Tsukiyama. This is Shiro. He's normally not this rude," he put in meaningfully. Shiro looked as though he was trying to decide if it would be worth it to punch Kaneki in the face in public.

"I see," Tsukiyama commented, a thoughtful gaze roving over the two of them. When it reached Shiro, he frowned right back, eyes going from ash to iron. "The two of you make a charming couple, I must say."

Kaneki made an involuntary choking sound. "C—couple?" 

At this, Tsukiyama brightened in new interest. "You aren't together?" he asked, standing over Kaneki with something akin to newfound possession. There was a subtle shift of his body to face more toward Kaneki and if the human didn't notice it, that was fine, because Shiro sure as hell did.

"Actually," Shiro declared, shoving himself out of his seat, "we are together."

Kaneki spluttered. " _What_?"

"Happily," Shiro added stonily. He faced Tsukiyama with hands in half-fists at his sides, despite being a whole head shorter. Inhaling the ghoul's sickly-sweet scent, he said quietly, "so I suggest you go eat elsewhere."

Tsukiyama's mouth twitched, whether more toward a smile or a snarl, Kaneki wasn't sure. "My my, he wasn't lying," he remarked in a soft purr. "You are rather rude. It's a shame that all the pretty ones end up like that." Darkly teasing, he brought a hand up as though to cup Shiro's cheek.

"Touch me and I break your arm," Shiro growled, Tsukiyama's hand stopping three inches from his face.

Tsukiyama grinned, slow and sensual. Hand pulling back to cradle his chin thoughtfully, he asked, "and if I touch him?"

Shiro's gaze flashed. "I'll end you."

 

"Really now?"

"Try me."

The two faced each other, savageness in their postures, Tsukiyama hiding it beneath a layer of elegance and Shiro wearing it like it was a part of him. A slither of heat sank down his spine and pooled in his lower back; Shiro knew that if he looked, he'd find the beginnings of bloody veins forming near where his rinkaku emerged.

It was Tsukiyama who broke the trance. "Very well," he sighed, with a glance down at the expensive watch at his wrist. "Would you mind?" He gestured toward the counter behind Shiro. "I'd like to order."

"Sure." Shiro made the syllable sound like murder. He stepped aside, catching sight of Kaneki gawking at them throughout the exchange. As he made to pass by, Tsukiyama murmured, "don't forget your snack. I'd hate to see someone ruin it." There was a cruel twist to the word "ruin" that hinted at every sinister thing he'd planned on doing to Kaneki.  
Fury ignited inside of Shiro, but he withheld himself for the public's and Kaneki's sake. Growling, he marched around Tsukiyama and grabbed a handful of Kaneki's sleeve. "Come on."

"But, why—?"

"Come on!" He practically dragged Kaneki from the barstool and across the room, steps hard and fast. A few tiny protests took form behind him, but he didn't bother to listen to them. He wanted to get out. He wanted Kaneki away from that disgusting, gourmet ghoul. He wanted to understand why he was here, he wanted his second chance, he wanted to keep them safe. He wanted and he hurt and he wasn't sure if he was strong enough. Tsukiyama set it off in him like a match, a ghost from his past that didn't hold such kind memories like Hinami or Touka. _What if he comes back?_ he thought, panicked. _What if he takes Kaneki, and the CCG come back, and I didn't change anything? Why me? What can I do to keep them safe?_

"What can I do?" he whispered aloud, close to a whimper, and let go of Kaneki's sleeve. He stopped with an almost-stumble in the side hallway in Anteiku's back corner and leaned his shoulder against the wall. Immediately, Kaneki started to circle around him to see his face and he lifted a hand up over his eyes.

"Shiro, what the hell?" Kaneki demanded. It was the closest to real anger that Shiro had seen in him and he wanted to flinch away from it. "You're being a jerk to complete strangers now!"

"He's not a stranger," Shiro replied numbly. Beneath his probing fingers, his head throbbed. 

"Why didn't you tell me that then? Instead of storming off?" 

"I was mad."

"I could tell!"

Shiro swallowed. Kaneki was disappointed in him. God, he hated it. Why did he hate it so much? "I'm sorry," he murmured and the words hurt like poison.

"You should be!" Kaneki snapped. It was a then that Shiro recognized that it was more than anger making Kaneki's hands shake. There was fear in him too. "You scared me, Shiro! I thought I was gonna have to watch you fight someone else front of me and then get yourself killed by the—" He gritted his teeth, then lowered his voice, "—by the CCG. And that sucks. It really freaking sucks to watch you act like that. It was like you were insane."

A piece inside of Shiro snapped. "I am," he rasped, a few notes above a growl. "I am, Kaneki, I'm not like you. You shouldn't be around me."

"What do you mean?" Kaneki asked. "Why not?"

Because I'm you. And I'm a mess. "I'm not..." he trailed off, the words failing to form.

"Not what?" Kaneki demanded, though it didn't hold as much bite as before. "Normal?"  
Shiro nodded. 

Kaneki's posture gentled and he moved a pace closer. "That's why you... What happened?"   
Shaking his head, Shiro kept his fingers up, barring his eyes. Blades sliced into his throat when the words tried to shape themselves. "I was—" _Tortured_. He wanted to share that part of himself, the most broken jagged piece of himself, with Kaneki but he couldn't. That would be admitting too much, getting too close. Shiro wasn't sure what he would do with Kaneki's comfort—because he would offer it in a second if he knew. 

"You were what?" Kaneki urged carefully. His hand rested on Shiro's shoulder. "Shiro?"  
He couldn't. Sometimes, he wanted to kill, and to feel blood between his fingers, his lips, and sometimes it was Kaneki's blood he wanted. But another side of him just wanted _Kaneki_. But it was wrong. 

Kaneki's voice brought him back from the abyss, soft murmurings of his name and fingers coaxing his hands away from his face. Shiro stared in faint numbness at their joined hands and how Kaneki turned one so that their fingers laced together loosely. "I was taken by a ghoul," he whispered, the confession hanging between them, "and tortured for ten days." Silence stretched on and he recognized the mingling horror and unease in Kaneki's eyes. He couldn't put him through this. This was dangerous. "Kaneki, I can't be around..." But he couldn't go on, because Kaneki's face had fallen at the words and Shiro never wanted to see him like that.

He wasn't sure what made him move. 

But suddenly, he was pushing forward, turning to back Kaneki up against the wall and bumping their foreheads together. Kaneki gasped, their twined fingers pressed to the wall beside his head and Shiro's other arm caging him in. Inhaling deeply, Shiro took in that soft strawberry scent and closed his eyes, his nose brushing Kaneki's. The human shivered, wonderfully vulnerable. It would be so easy to sink his teeth into him. _I wanna..._ But he kissed him instead. 

"Shiro," was mumbled incredulously into his mouth, but he didn't care. He stepped closer, nipped Kaneki's lower lip, and there was a shakier, softer, " _Shiro_." Head tilting, Kaneki kissed him back. It started slow, mainly because the two had an equal lack of experience in kissing. But Kaneki's lips were soft and his free hand had found its way around the back of Shiro's neck, and Shiro never wanted it to end. It was deliciously, beautifully wrong. Making a ragged, pained noise, he pulled back. "I'm sorry," he said between heavy breaths. "We shouldn't."

Alarm flashed in Kaneki's face and he shook his head. "Don't," he pleaded, surging forward to claim Shiro's mouth with his own again. Longing and responsibility warred inside of Shiro, even as he returned the kiss. A little sound escaped him and he tried to will himself to tear away from this. But Kaneki's arm had wound around his waist to press into his lower back, pulling him in until their stomachs barely touched. Kaneki leaned his weight back against the wall and Shiro followed him, keeping their lips pressed together. There was hardly room for breath.

"Kaneki," Shiro breathed out, finally breaking the kiss and turning his face away. His entire body buzzed and he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not."I gotta go."

"Please, don't." Kaneki tried to catch Shiro's gaze. "Don't try to protect me. I don't care that you're a ghoul."

Shiro knew he should have told him that he should care and that he was going to stay away.

But he drew their joined hands up between them instead, and ran a thumb over Kaneki's knuckles. He could've broken them, if he wanted. Kaneki might end up broken anyway. "I have to go," he repeated. But he cut off Kaneki's protest by touching a reassuring kiss to the human's knuckles. "I'll come back," he promised, allowing a soft smile to curve against the back of Kaneki's fingers.

Pink rising to stain his cheeks, Kaneki nodded. "Okay," he murmured, and when he grinned back, it lit up Shiro's world.

His heart constricted in his chest. 

It had always been dangerous for Shiro to care about someone. He hoped he didn't end up being Kaneki's mistake.

Out in the shop, the clang of the bell announced another customer's departure, as the corner of a silver suitcase disappeared out the door


	9. Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nice things don't last for long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for another long wait! This work is just beating me up while writing it, but I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things here. This was a little short, and lot fluffy, but I hope you guys are still enjoying it just as much! Your comments are all lovely and make my day every time you leave one, thank you so much :)

Kaneki felt like he was floating when he drifted through the streets toward Anteiku the next day. Hands tucked into the pocket of a navy hoodie, he tried to fight the overwhelming urge to smile as he weaved through people. He had an essay to write and he had maybe waited too long in starting it, but he found that he didn't care. The smile broke free at last and he lifted his fingers sheepishly to his lips. The memory of Shiro's kiss was etched into his mind and he had been spending the better part of yesterday daydreaming about it. He remembered the hot weight of Shiro over him, breaths mingling between them, and a tremble made its way down his spine.

He of course couldn't think about this, however, and not think about Shiro's whispered confession too. He hadn't asked who had taken Shiro or what had been done to him, and he didn't plan to. Something told him that if Shiro hadn't offered the information already, he probably wouldn't for a while. But it hurt Kaneki to think about someone he cared so much about being tortured. _Why would anyone do something like that?_ he wondered. He thought that he might not want to know that either. 

The bell at Anteiku's door announced his arrival, and he barely made it a step in before a fluff of autumn hair collided with his stomach. "Kaneki!" Hinami cheered, knocking him back a step as she hugged him around the waist. Bright brown eyes gazed up at him, excited but a tad shy as well. "I haven't seen you in forever!"

"Hey, Hinami," he replied with a wide grin. The little girl's enthusiasm could brighten anyone's day and he had already been stupidly happy on the way here. "What've you been up to?"

"Nothing really." Releasing him again, she toed the floor with the tip of a black flat. "Reading. Waiting for Dad." Her voice wavered near the end of that sentence and Kaneki felt sympathy rise like a tide in his chest. But she moved on quickly, to smother the fear in happiness. "Mom was gonna go with me to the bookstore today, but I wanna go with you. You're here now, so she won't mind. Right Touka?"

She called the last bit over her shoulder and Kaneki followed her gaze to Touka, leaning against the counter. Touka shrugged with a shoulder, currently engrossed in a notebook scrawled with what Kaneki assumed was her handwriting. "Sure, go ahead," she replied. "I'll let your mom know that you're with Kaneki."

"Awesome!" Hinami tugged lightly at the hem of Kaneki's hoodie. "Wanna go, Kaneki? You can help me pick out a book!" 

How could he say no to that face? "All right, I'll go with you," he chuckled. "I wanted a new book anyway."

"Let's go then!" Bouncing on her toes, she began to pull him back toward the door. Still grinning at her cute enthusiasm, he trailed behind with a quick farewell to Touka.

The sudden jangling of the bell brought his attention up to the door, just as it opened in front of them. Kaneki found himself face-to-face with a flustered Shiro, one hand holding the door open. He was in his sweatpants again and a white tee that actually wasn't Kaneki's. (he was somewhat disappointed by this, but stupidly amused by the blood-red lettering on the shirt: TOO GHOUL FOR SCHOOL) His first, idiotic sentence was, "where did you get that shirt?"

Shiro opened his mouth, closed it again, and then glanced down at himself. As if realizing for the first time what his shirt said, he chuckled. "Hide made me get it," he replied.

"I should've known." Kaneki offered up a tiny smile. He might've been acting dumb, but he wasn't sure how Shiro would react to him now. It wasn't like they'd talked or anything since their kiss. 

Shiro's expression tightened, fighting some inner battle with himself. Then he rolled his eyes and let go of the door. "Don't be shy," he murmured, closing the distance between them and hooking two fingers in Kaneki's hoodie pocket. A soft kiss touched Kaneki's forehead and his heart felt like it jumped the same way Hinami did right then. 

"I KNEW you were Shiro's boyfriend!" she declared. 

Denial sprang to his lips reflexively. "I'm not—"At Shiro's glance, Kaneki backtracked. "I mean...I wasn't. Until um, a day ago."

"Well, you guys are really cute," she told him matter-of-factly. 

Kaneki and Shiro mumbled identical quiet thank-you's. The Hinami scurried past them and out the open door. "Now, c'mon! I wanna get to the bookstore before all the good books are taken!"

"I don't think they'll _all_ be gone!" Kaneki called after her, grinning as he made to follow. He paused beside Shiro in the doorway. The half-ghoul was watching him with a faint smile, fond of the way he acted with Hinami. A sudden wave of reluctance held Kaneki back. "Do you wanna come?" He was unable to keep the hope from slipping out. 

"Well, I was gonna..." Shiro glanced into Anteiku, hesitating. He'd just gotten here, after all, even if it was a day off. Maybe he had something he wanted to do or hang out with Touka. Kaneki was preparing himself for the disappointment. So he wasn't expecting it when Shiro took his hand, sliding their fingers together as though they'd done it hundreds of time before. "Okay."

Kaneki broke into a huge smile. "O—okay." He probably looked like a lovestruck fool, leading Shiro out of the coffeeshop by the hand. He could hardly meet his eyes; he was afraid he'd do something stupid, like trip over his own feet or kiss Shiro right on the sidewalk. Hinami skipped along a few paces ahead and he kept a careful eye on her as they started on toward the bookstore.

_Maybe I should say something_ , he thought in the breeze-stirred silence. "Do you, uh, do you like fall?" he asked and wanted to kick himself for coming up with such a thing. Who talked to their boyfriend about THE SEASON?

"Yeah." Shiro glanced sideways at him in amusement, forgiving him for being terribly lame. Then he hunched his shoulders up against a chilly breeze, hand leaving Kaneki's. "Except it's cold," he added.

Kaneki took one look at him and laughed. "That's what you get for wearing a T-shirt," he taunted. 

"Shut up."

Kaneki grinned at him, until he noticed Shiro's barely-suppressed shiver. "Hey, uh." Awkward, he held out his arm. "Come here." 

"What?" Shiro asked.

"I said come here. Unless you wanna freeze."

Shiro's expression suggested he was debating it. For a second, Kaneki thought that he wasn't going to take up the offer. Then he sidled over until his side met Kaneki's. Skin tingling with the warmth of the contact, Kaneki looped his arm around Shiro's shoulders. _Holy crap, wow_. Shiro had a nice set of shoulders and Kaneki had thought that he'd smell kinda bloody because he...ate humans. But he didn't, he smelled like soap and something sweet. Without thinking, Kaneki turned to nuzzle into Shiro's hair. An involuntary sigh slipped out of him.

"Dammit, I like you," Shiro mumbled, like it was a bad thing. 

Smile curving next to Shiro's ear, Kaneki admired the pale-cotton hair, gleaming prettily in the light. "How'd you get your hair like that?" he asked.

"What, white?" Shiro shrugged with a shoulder, fingertips idly fiddling with Kaneki's hoodie pocket. "Maybe I just aged really fast."

"Then you look good for your age," Kaneki joked back sheepishly, and Shiro elbowed him in the side. Laughingly, Kaneki pulled Shiro close again. "But seriously, do you dye it?"

"Nah," Shiro replied. Then his gaze flicked over toward Hinami ahead of them and he lowered his voice. "It happened during—during the torture." 

Kaneki's stomach lurched with sudden sickness. He didn't think before he set his lips to the side of Shiro's head in a brief kiss. The half-ghoul stiffened. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"You didn't know," Shiro brushed it off.

"I know, but it was bad anyway. God, I'm sorry, I—" Kaneki's fingers rubbed Shiro's shoulder absently, not knowing how it affected him. 

Shiro inhaled a slow, steady breath, feeling warm inside at Kaneki's words. He'd never had someone treat him like this before, not since it had happened. 

"I can't even imagine what that was like," Kaneki murmured sadly. "Who would want to do that to you? Why...why did it happen?"

Shiro bit down on his lip as a headache formed near his temple, body recoiling from the topic of Jason and torture. "I don't know all of it," he admitted. "But another ghoul was looking for the one that died and had its organs given to me. So I smelled like her, to other ghouls. He wanted to see how her healing worked so he took me instead as the next best thing and uh...yeah." He finished, studying the way his shoes walked alongside Kaneki's. 

"So you didn't even do anything," Kaneki concluded. "You didn't deserve it." Anger roiled beneath the surface of his words then. "I wish I could've known you then, I would've done something to protect y—" 

Shiro grabbed him by the front of his hoodie and kissed him. In public. With Hinami three feet away. It was the second time he'd kissed his past self, but the first time that he shoved the feelings of wrongness down somewhere deep inside of him. He just wanted to feel _this_ : Kaneki gasping shyly before he kissed back, lips soft, arm moving from Shiro's shoulders to wind around his waist. Their walking slowed, feet catching on each other as they struggled to kiss for as long as possible. Shiro only broke it when Kaneki tripped and he had to keep him from faceplanting the pavement.

Kaneki's eyes were dazed and his bottom lip was a shade redder. _Did I bite him?_ Shiro wondered. He didn't care. The idea of leaving some kind of mark on Kaneki was way more appealing than it should've been. "What was that for?" Kaneki asked, touching his lips with his fingertips.

"For existing," Shiro answered simply. "You're doing a great job." He glimpsed Kaneki's eye-roll then and threw him a rare smirk. "And you're kinda cute, I guess," he added, like it was no big deal.

The reaction was perfect; Kaneki stumbled over his own two feet. "Th—thanks," he stammered awkwardly, but with the sweetest smile on his face. Shiro could just eat him up. 

_Literally_ , he thought drily. Then he caught himself. _Did I just make a bad ghoul joke? Dear god, I need to get away from Hide._

Up ahead of them, Hinami was calling back with waving arms. "C'mon, guys! You're so slow!" The bookstore was to her right, bright and cute with windows full of new hardbacks. She surveyed the display, then yelled back to them again. "And Shiro, there's a weird guy in there with a suitcase and hair like you, except it's longer! But he's kinda creepy and he's looking at me weird too!"

Kaneki sent Shiro a confused glance, as the ghoul had frozen in the middle of the sidewalk.


	10. Nervous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mado was examining Shiro's pale hair and blackened nails skeptically. Suddenly, it felt like he was standing way too close."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, this story is fighting me right now, I swear. But next chapter should be better, because I'm in love with the idea for it already. Just had to get past this one. I hope you're all still enjoying it. The amount of support I see in this fic is amazing, thank you :3

"You guys are taking forever!" Hinami complained. Without a backwards glance, she spun and skipped into the bookstore. The bell attached to the door jingled cheerfully, completely at odds with Shiro's horrified reaction.

"Wait for us, Hinami!" Kaneki called after her. Then he started as Shiro abruptly strode after her, not pausing to see if the human was keeping up. "Shiro?"

Shiro couldn't answer. The only thing running through his mind right now was the look on her face when her parents were killed by these people. When she was hurt by these people. The same CCG investigators she was about to run into right now. 

A few grumbled complaints were thrown his way when he pushed past customers leaving the store. As soon as he made it inside, he paused to inhale the flood of scents around him. Warm book pages, humans, perfume, a couple of ghouls. At the edge of his mind, there was a bright spot that he knew to be Hinami and after that, the dull silvery scent of the CCG. _Where is she_? he thought, searching the inside of the store with scared eyes.

  
"Shiro, why'd you run off?" Kaneki appeared beside him, hand resting on Shiro's shoulder in confusion. As soon as he glimpsed Shiro's face, the confusion shifted to concern. "What's wrong?"

  
"CCG," Shiro whispered, aware of the multitude of humans around them. "They're in here. I can't find Hinami."

  
Kaneki's eyes went wide, then darted out to the rows of bookshelves. "She knows not to tell them that she's a ghoul, right?" he asked in a low breath.

  
"Yes," Shiro answered. "But they know how to get it out of her if they have to."

  
"Okay, we can probably split up and—wait, there she is!"

  
Shiro looked to where Kaneki was pointing, relief already swamping him once he picked out Hinami's fluff of brown hair. The relief was smashed when he saw that she was happily chatting with a man in a long, grey-white coat. His back hunched, the knobs of his neck visible beneath a long fringe of pale hair. The smile he wore was polite for the little girl, but beneath it there were whispers of murder. Mado.

  
"Shit," Shiro breathed. Then he held out a halting hand to Kaneki. "Stay here."

  
"What d'you mean, I'm coming with you," Kaneki insisted, grey eyes flashing determinedly.

  
Sparing a worried glance toward Hinami, Shiro bent in close to Kaneki. "I have to talk to them. I don't know why they're here, but if for some reason they find out that I'm a ghoul, they're gonna come after you."

  
"I don't care," Kaneki retorted. Shiro took a breath to speak, but was cut off by Kaneki taking his hand. His skin tingled at the now-familiar feeling of their fingers intertwining. "I told you, I don't care what you are," Kaneki murmured. "I wanna help you. Okay?"

  
Shiro looked at him with unreadable charcoal eyes, then nodded. "Okay." Then he prayed fiercely that the CCG wouldn't comment on their similar appearances, as the two made their away over to Hinami together. Mado's keen eyes darted to them at once, pausing on Shiro's pale hair and blackened nails. Suddenly self-conscious, Shiro let go of Kaneki's hand.

  
"Shiro! Kaneki!" Hinami beamed up at them, failing to sense the negative energy pouring off of Shiro at the moment. "This is my new friend, Mado! He's really nice!"

  
Shiro pieced together a fake smile. "Oh really? I'm glad to hear it." He set his hands gently atop her shoulders, keeping her close.

  
Mado was watching him, mouth twitching up at the corner. Thankfully, Shiro recognized his expression as nothing more than harmless intrigue. "You two are her friends?" he asked in his paper-crackle voice.

  
Shiro nodded. "We're looking after her for her mother," he explained.

  
"Oh, how nice," Mado purred, suitcase shifting as he switched it to his other hand. Shiro's gaze followed the movement and he pulled Hinami imperceptibly closer. "It's always a treat to see young boys such as yourselves willing to watch over a little one."

  
"I'm not that little," Hinami protested, drawing a laugh out of the investigator. Shiro's grip just barely tightened on her shoulders.

  
"You're little enough," Shiro joked, tousling her hair. She wriggled in his arms and he showed Mado a strained smile. "We should probably let this man get back to work, okay, Hinami? You wanted to pick out a book, didn't you?"

  
"Oh, yeah!" she chirped. "I did!"

  
"Ah, just one second," Mado interjected, holding up one pale finger. "I'm actually here on a business, questioning a few people, that whole process. Tedious, but necessary, you know. I was wondering if I could ask a few questions concerning a few ghoul sightings in the area?"

  
Shiro's back straightened subtly, his fingertips curling in the fabric of Hinami's coat. Without realizing it, he'd reached over to hook his fingers in the side of Kaneki's hoodie. Kaneki caught his hand and ran his thumb soothingly over the back of it. Something jolted inside of Shiro, unused to the comfort of another person. A burst of affection for Kaneki warmed his heart. "Okay," he said to Mado. "We'll try our best."

  
"Wonderful." When Mado grinned, he did so like a wolf, hinting at that mad glee Shiro had grown all too familiar with. "Now, we've been receiving reports of a Binge Eater around lately. Ghouls, as you know, don't have to eat for quite some time between meals, but this one seems to enjoy things a little, ah differently..." At the tail end of his sentence, he flicked a pointed look toward Hinami, who was listening raptly.

  
"Ah—Hinami," Kaneki piped up, bringing the girl's eyes up to him. "Why don't you head over there and look through the books while we finish talking to this nice officer, okay? We'll be right over."

  
"And stay where we can see you," Shiro added.

  
Hinami nodded, reluctant to leave such an interesting conversation. But she must've trusted the two more than they'd thought; she took and squeezed Shiro's index finger before she left, the only sign of her nervousness. He watched her go with his heart in his throat.

  
"All right," Kaneki said, with a polite smile to Mado. "What do you need to know?"

  
"I was hoping that perhaps one of you had seen anyone acting strangely? Someone you believe to be a ghoul?" Mado brought his suitcase in front of him and placed both hands patiently over the handle. "We don't know much about the Binge Eater besides the fact that she's female and has recently killed a couple a few blocks from here. It happened just a few days ago."

  
A few days ago? Shiro mind raced. _Rize is alive_? "No," he heard himself say. "I don't think we've noticed anyone strange around here."

  
Mado's snakelike eyes fixed on Kaneki. "What about you, hmm? Have you noticed anything?"

  
Kaneki shook his head. "Nothing." Mado gave a little hum, like he was trying to decide if they were lying or if this really was a lost cause. "I wish we could be more help," Kaneki offered.

  
Mado let out a rueful breath. "Me too, kid."

  
Relief made Shiro relax the smallest fraction. This conversation was over, thank God. He wanted to get to Hinami and make sure that she wasn't talking to any other CCG officers that might be following Mado. Then Mado spoke up again. "Interesting shirt," he remarked, and Shiro glanced down at his TOO GHOUL FOR SCHOOL tee. His skin prickled self-consciously and it only worsened at the next, seemingly innocent question. "Have you always had such unusual coloring?" Mado was examining Shiro's pale hair and blackened nails skeptically. Suddenly, it felt like he was standing way too close.

  
"Actually, yeah," Kaneki answered, and Shiro glanced at him quickly. He wasn't used to such confidence in Kaneki. "Weird, huh?" Kaneki dropped Shiro's hand and slid his arm protectively around his waist instead. His fingers curved over Shiro's side, sending a tingle of electricity across his skin. Where was this new Kaneki coming from?

  
"Quite," Mado replied wryly. Thankfully, though, he left it at that and adjusted the lapels of his coat. "Well then. I must be on my way. If you do see anything, please feel free to call the CCG, even if it's something small."

  
"We will," Kaneki promised. "Good luck!" He waved in his usual cheerful manner as Mado left the store, leaving behind a ring from the bell hanging at the door. Then as soon as he was gone, both Kaneki and Shiro relaxed against each other. "Oh my god," Kaneki muttered. "I've never been so nervous in my life."

  
" _You_ were nervous?" Shiro asked. "I'm the one he'd kill if he found out."

  
"That's still kinda scary!" Shuddering, Kaneki pulled him closer, their sides flush together. His body was soft and warm up against Shiro's, and if he turned his head, his nose would graze Kaneki's jaw. If being nervous caused him to get so cuddly, Shiro was definitely going to have to remember that for the future.

  
Shiro tugged at Kaneki's neckline. "Don't be scared around them," he murmured in Kaneki's ear, enjoying the catch he caused in his breath. "They can't touch me."

  
"Confident, huh?" Kaneki asked, somewhat breathily.

  
A slow, mad smile hooked up Shiro's mouth. "I know what I'm capable of."

  
"You're kinda scary too, you know."

  
"Then why aren't you running away?"

  
Kaneki lacked the courage to look Shiro in the eyes when he replied. "It might be a little hot," he stammered, and he was the most adorable thing when he was trying to flirt.

  
"Are you flirting with me, Kaneki?" Shiro taunted, nosing into the bend of Kaneki's neck.

  
Kaneki squirmed away from him, grinning when Shiro touched a kiss to the ridge of his ear. "Stop it," he giggled. "We have to find Hinami."

  
Giving in, Shiro nodded."Whatever you say." When he left Kaneki's embrace, he didn't miss the way Kaneki's hand lingered against the small of his back. He glanced over his shoulder as he made to follow the path Hinami had taken between the bookshelves. Kaneki's eyes were on him and he fiddled with the strings of his hoodie. Butterflies whirled in Shiro's stomach. When was the last time he'd gotten butterflies when looking at anyone?

  
Honestly, this boy was too adorable. Shiro hadn't realized how cute he'd been in the past. _But I'm not him, am I_? he thought. He'd taken to thinking of himself in this way since he and Kaneki had become...whatever they were now. Shiro wasn't Kaneki anymore. Not really. He'd become someone else after his torture and he'd named that part of himself Shiro. It wasn't a perfect solution to the dating-his-past-self issue, but it helped.

  
Looking at Kaneki now, utterly at ease with letting a half-ghoul touch him, hold him, Shiro thought that he wasn't about to change anything about them anyway. Even if it might hurt him in the end.


	11. Possession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He picked him like one picked flowers; the pretty ones are always ruined first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still shortish, but the length felt right, and the next chapter should be a bit longer. Anyway, I hope you still like this fic! The support I'm getting for it is really keeping the idea alive, so I thank you for that. Let me know if you liked this latest chapter! I look forward to writing more for you :)

Hinami held Kaneki's hand as the two walked back to Anteiku together. She was one of those little girls that liked to lightly swing their joined hands between them. A plastic bag fluttered from her fingers, holding her new book. Kaneki hadn't wanted to leave Shiro back at the bookstore after Hinami had picked out her book. But he insisted that she should get back now and he wanted to stay and look for a few things of his own. So, Kaneki was taking her back.

  
She hummed a nonsense tune, a bounce in her step as the autumn wind teased her hair. Kaneki thought that he should talk to her or something, but she was quiet and for now he liked the quiet. It gave him time to daydream: reliving his day with Shiro and remembering the way he stayed close during the interview with the CCG. _I didn't even kiss him goodbye or anything,_ he thought worriedly. _Aren't boyfriends supposed to do that? Or is he just not the PDA type?_

  
He was mulling this over with ridiculous detail, when someone shifted up beside him on the sidewalk. "Oh, _bonjour, mon ami_ , it's been too long," a voice purred, and Kaneki's spine tingled with the memory.

  
Tsukiyama smiled at him, hair as purple as his suit. He was still unfairly handsome. Sun rays played across his soft bangs and the sure line of his jaw. When had he gotten so close?

  
"Uh, hi," Kaneki replied politely. Even if Shiro had a problem with this guy, Kaneki wasn't about to be rude. "You're Tsukiyama, right?"

  
Tsukiyama nodded. "And you're Kaneki." Kaneki's name rolled off of his tongue like honey. It was hard not to be pulled in by such charm.

  
"Yeah. It's nice to see you again. What're you doing out here?"

  
"Why, I was on my way to a dinner party of sorts," Tsukiyama answered with a flourish. "Just picking up a few things....flowers, ingredients, you know." Long fingers plucked invisible flowers from the air, but those indigo eyes never left Kaneki.

  
Unnerved, Kaneki's smile came out forced. "That sounds nice." Hinami tugged a little on his hand, the universal sign for _I wanna go home and read my book_. He picked up the pace, but it did nothing to dissuade Tsukiyama.

  
"Why don't you join me?" he asked suddenly. A hand fell onto Kaneki's shoulder blade, the traces of possession in the weight of his fingertips.

  
A warning lit up in the back of Kaneki's mind. He was beginning to realize just how little he knew this man. "I don't think I should."

  
"Why ever not?"

  
"Well, Hinami really needs to get home and I promised I'd look after her."

  
"Ah, I see," Tsukiyama sighed regrettably. Head tilting, he shifted his gaze off to the side in a look of wistfulness. "Another time then."

  
Grateful that the conversation was over, Kaneki stammered a farewell and then smiled down at Hinami. "Okay, Hinami, why don't we—?"

  
Viselike hands closed around his throat and yanked him off the sidewalk. "Kaneki!" Hinami shrieked, as his hand was ripped from hers in a blur of movement. It happened so fast, that he hardly had time to react before his back slammed against a brick wall. He gasped at the pain shooting through his spine. Clawing at the fingers around his neck, he struggled for breath and stared into malevolent violet eyes. Tsukiyama smiled, slow and with an edge like a knife's tip. "Oh, Kaneki, don't be rude now," he crooned. "I've invited you to my little get-together and I insist that you come. You won't run away now, will you?"

  
Squirming in vain, Kaneki managed to get in a gulp of air. "Let me...go," he rasped, chest aching. He was strong. He was so much stronger than Kaneki had thought he'd be. There was no way Kaneki could fight him off. The sheer frustration of being human and helpless made tears prick his eyes.

  
"But you're the guest of honor, you see," Tsukiyama informed him with a thin veil of politeness. "I went through so much trouble to make everything just perfect. All it's missing now is you." One hand released Kaneki's neck and drifted up to cup his cheek. Kaneki tried to shrink away from the touch, grimacing at the cool skin against his own.

  
"Let him go!" Hinami yelled, voice shattering like glass in the fall air. Kaneki saw her dash for them, young face determined and eyes glistening.

  
Tsukiyama looked her way and his smile grew to show perfect, predatory teeth.

  
"Hinami, stop!" Kaneki cried, panicked. Her shoes skidded on the pavement, mere feet from them. She looked at him, tears beginning to leave iridescent trails down her face. "Go back and get help!"

  
"Help?" Tsukiyama asked, as though this was a particularly fascinating concept. "I suppose you could try, it won't hurt to let you hope a little."

  
"B—but," Hinami sniffled, but Kaneki wouldn't let her finish.

  
"Go!" His voice cracked, close to a sob as Tsukiyama's fingernails dug crescents into his skin. "Get Shiro!"

  
Too choked up to speak, she spun around and took off down the sidewalk. Kaneki watched her disappear around the side of the building and part of him calmed. At least she would be safe. As for him, well, that was a different story. Tsukiyama trailed a fingertip down Kaneki's cheek, sending his skin crawling with revulsion. "Shiro," he said, drawing it out, tasting the syllables on his tongue. "I forgot about him. But don't worry, sweet Kaneki." His finger curled, nail dipping into the surface of Kaneki's skin and drawing blood. He winced with a hiss, the warm wetness snaking down his face. "I'm sure he'll love to see what I've done with you," Tsukiyama cooed. "It could be a treat for him too."  
  
-x-x-x-

"Shiro! Shiro!"

  
Shiro's head jerked up, senses hitching into overdrive at the sight of Hinami tearing into the bookshop. Tears streamed down her face and she bumped into two people on her way to him. She collided with his side, clutching at his T-shirt. "Hinami, what is it?" he demanded, dropping the book he'd been checking out and kneeling down in front of her. He took her by the shoulders and realized with a start that she was alone. "Where's Kaneki?"

  
"S—some man took him," she whimpered between wet sniffles. "H—he said he w—was gonna take Kaneki s—somewhere." Wiping her jacket sleeve over her eyes, she dropped her voice down. "He was a g—ghoul, Shiro. W—with purple hair."

  
Shiro's heart crashed into his ribcage. Kaneki had been taken by...

  
_Oh my god_. "Follow me," he ordered, falling into a dangerous coldness. He grabbed her hand and strode for the door, shoving into the outdoors. "You're going home," he said as he walked, combing the streets with his gaze as he went. There was no sign of Kaneki or Tsukiyama, not in the people milling in the streets or the cars rumbling past. Shiro's throat felt tight. Dammit, where were they? "Touka and your mom will watch over you there. Don't let them come after me. I can handle this and they aren't gonna get hurt, okay?"

  
Hinami tried her best to keep up with him, rubbing her nose as her sobs calmed to the occasional hiccup. "Where are you going?"

  
"To get Kaneki back," he replied icily. _And to kick Tsukiyama's ass._

  
"No, Shiro, you can't go alone!" she protested, and pulled at his arm in panic. "What if he hurts you?"

  
"I'll be okay."

  
"But he was really strong!"

  
"Hinami, I'll be fine."

  
She whined, a pitiful sound in the back of her throat. "What if you aren't?"

  
He hated hearing her sound like that. She was young, too young for this. They had reached the shopfront of Anteiku now, but he didn't go through the doors right away. Instead, he sank to a knee again for her, grey eyes softening. Cupping her cheek, he thumbed away her tears. "Hinami, I have to do this," he murmured. "Kaneki needs someone right now and I've dealt with a lot worse than this. I know I can help him. But I need you to stay here and keep everyone from worrying, okay? Everything's gonna be fine."

  
She watched him, leaning into his hand like a child hiding from a storm. Her panting had quieted by the time he'd finished and she asked in a small voice, "you'll come back?"

  
"I'll come back," he vowed.

  
"Promise?"

  
"I promise. Now I gotta go." Standing again, he smoothed a hand over her hair. God, he prayed that she wasn't dragged into another mess with him. Not again. She shouldn't have even been going through this. "Stay safe for me," he told her, and after her weak nod, he was gone. Down the sidewalk with blood beginning to rush in his veins already. He had only one thing on his mind: how much he was about to make Tsukiyama suffer.


	12. Ravage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He would begin to realize why the ghoul had the scars etched into his skin, why he counted backwards when he thought no one else was looking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, so this took forever.   
> It's been a while since I've watched the anime, so if I screwed up Taro's characterization, I'm sorry. I tried my best with him, had to look him up again haha. I sincerely hope that you all are still enjoying this story, because your feedback has been very appreciated. I still have plans for this fic, so stick with me for a little while longer, okay?  
> Comments give me life and the will to continue torturing these characters, so maybe leave one if you liked it? Thank you :3

When Kaneki woke up, he became aware of two things.

  
One, that he was blindfolded and lying on cold, hard stones. Two, that there was a disturbing murmur of voices around him.

  
Oh and one other thing: his entire body hurt like hell.

  
"Oh, god," he groaned, rolling himself over onto his side. He tried to use his arms to sit up, but ended up tugging uselessly at ropes binding his wrists. Hands trapped behind his back, he curled on the cool floor and reveled in the icy relief against his bruised skin. The voices around him rose in volume at his movement, a thrum of excitement pulsing through them. His foggy mind pieced together his last memory: Tsukiyama slamming his head against the wall, watching in sick glee as Kaneki's consciousness faded. The throbbing at the back of his head told him that it wasn't some nightmare.

  
His breaths began to come heavy with panic, but he forced himself to think calmly. _Okay. Okay. First thing's first. Where am I?_ There was only so much he could figure out while blindfolded, but he could try. Judging by the whisperings around him, he was surrounded by a large number of people. That told him that Tsukiyama had probably brought him to other ghouls and that they were in a big space. He could also tell by the way the calls echoed and shifted that the room he was in was tall. The ceiling had to be high overhead to hold this many people, and all above him. Were they all watching him? Why?

  
His spinning mind was cut off by the shift of a footstep next to him. Then a sweetly cooing voice. "Sweet Kaneki, are you awake?"

  
Tsukiyama. Kaneki froze against the ground, unsure as to whether he should try to move away or not. "Where am I?" he rasped, turning his head toward the voice. "Where did you take me?"

  
"You'll know soon enough, don't worry," Tsukiyama assured him. "I won't keep you in the dark for long. What fun would that be?"

  
A fingertip appeared, touching Kaneki's jaw and skimming along it. Kaneki jerked away from him, disgusted. "What're you gonna do to me?" he asked, the question leaking out in a whine.

  
"Oh, pretty little thing," Tsukiyama crooned. "What won't I do to you?"

  
A shudder racked Kaneki's spine. He had to choke back a sob, feeling the tears burning his eyelids. "Shiro," he whimpered, before he could think better of it.

  
"Again with your little friend. I hope he decides to join us. What fun, hm?" Tsukiyama hooked a finger around the edge of Kaneki's blindfold and slowly tugged it down. Blinking open his eyes, Kaneki faced the cruel smile above him, half-veiled by a curved mask. Tsukiyama still wore that immaculate suit, a backdrop of spotlights highlighting the lines of his shoulders. But his sleekness was marred by a crooked edge that Kaneki could only see now. He was a ghoul, in every sense of the word; with the same mad, twisted beauty that Shiro had. But while Tsukiyama wore it like a second skin, Shiro wielded his like careful glimpses of a sick mind.

  
It hurt Kaneki to think of someone he cared in that way, but he couldn't deny that he was glad to know that Shiro was a ghoul. He was strong enough to save him, he had to save him. Kaneki wasn't going to survive this alone.

  
"Let's start then, shall we?" Tsukiyama asked. With a final lingering look, he stood and began to stalk away from the trembling human. Kaneki followed him with terrified eyes and Tsukiyama spread his arms grandly. "My dear, dear friends!" he called out, addressing the rippling crowd. "Don't I have a surprise for you! My darling friend here has decided to join us for dinner! It took a bit of persuading, of course, but you all know how skilled I am in persuasion, don't you?"

  
An approving wave of snickers drifted down from above and Kaneki tipped his head back. His eyes shot open wide. He was in a huge stadium-styled room, with rows and rows of balconies spiraling out above. In those balconies, in plush chairs and expensive clothing, were hundreds of ghouls. All of them in sharp suits, or with scarlet lips, men and women alike. Masks of every shape covered their faces, but he caught the occasional flash of a smile. They were all watching him. Licking their lips and leaning forward readily. Kaneki's pulse was loud in his ears. _Is he going to feed me to all of them?! There's no way!_

  
How in the hell would he even feed all of these ghouls?!

  
"Tsukiyama!" he gasped, grasping at any chance he had of escape. "Let me go!"

  
"Ladies and gentlemen," Tsukiyama was going on, "it seems as though one of our very own has offered up someone willing to prepare our dinner for us. Would you all like that? Would you like to see our appetizer sliced open before our eyes?" The ghouls rumbled their approval, clapping and calling out.

  
Kaneki squirmed over onto his other side to face Tsukiyama, who had his back on him. His hands tore at their bindings in vain when he saw Tsukiyama begin to stalk delicately away from him. "Please!" he begged. "I...I thought we were friends!"

  
This hooked Tsukiyama's attention. His gaze fell back onto Kaneki over his shoulder, the sadistic grin of his mask distorting his normally-handsome features. "My dear Kaneki," he said with stomach-churning pity. "I don't make friends with my dinners."

  
Kaneki choked back tears as Tsukiyama left him there, melting away into the shadows at the edge of the room. Probably going to find a comfortable place to sit back and watch the show. "Don't go!" he cried frantically.

"Tsukiyama!" The cheers around him doubled in fervor at his cries, pulsing against the walls. He wanted to scream at all of them, throw insults in their faces about what cruel monsters they were. But it was unlikely to help him at all now.

  
The knowledge of just how hopeless this was burned into him like a hot brand. He would die here. Tears dripped down his face to the hard stone under him.

  
The monstrous creak of a door grinding open brought his head up again. Manic cackling drifted from behind the shadows of an open doorway and the ghouls thundered eagerly. Kaneki bit down on a sob in horror, as the distorted remnants of a human stomped out into the open. It was huge: thick limbs encased in a pair of ragged trousers, boots that shook the floor. Its mask wrapped around its head like cloth and showed off two pits for eyes. A high keen grated from the saw it carried, as the jagged blade dragged across the stones. Nausea forced Kaneki to bite his teeth together hard, a gag trapped in his throat.

  
This thing, this hellish creation, was going to tear him apart. Of that, he had no doubt.

  
_How long will it take?_ he thought. _Oh god, how long will it take to kill me?_

  
He could handle a swift death significantly better than he could handle torture.

  
A leering voice called out from somewhere overhead: "don't be afraid, now, Taro, darling! Make me proud, all right?"

  
The thing, Taro, hefted its saw in one burly arm. "I will, I will!" it blubbered. "I promise!" Picking up the pace, it lumbered toward Kaneki with terrifying speed.

  
"St—stop— _no_!" Kaneki wrenched himself to a sitting position, but couldn't gather his legs under him. His back collided with the floor and sent his breath huffing out of him. Boots thudded to the floor frighteningly close, sending vibrations shuddering through his spine. He lifted his eyes just in time to see the white flash of the saw raining down. Gasping, he twisted and the blade collided with stone floor. So close, so close that he felt the rush of wind at his back. On his side now, he looked on helplessly as Taro cocked his head at him.

  
"Don't you wanna help me?" he asked, as he ripped the blade from the ground with a slick noise of metal. "Don't you wanna make Mama proud?"

  
"Wait, p—please, don't," Kaneki sobbed. But his tearstained begging went unnoticed. Taro raised the saw high, toothed blade catching the light overhead. Hunching in on himself, Kaneki huddled in a ball against the ground and prepared for the blast of pain. _Hide, Shiro, Hinami, I'm sorry. I'm not coming home._ He shut his eyes.

  
He heard the slice of destroyed muscle and bone, and it sent a whimper out of his throat. But he felt no pain. A warm, wet droplet landed on his cheek and he opened his eyes.

  
Taro was shaking, saw frozen in place above his head. A tiny gurgle bubbled from his throat, as the tip of a pulsing claw protruded from his chest. Blood oozed from its point, gleaming wetly in the light. Kaneki lost his breath as he recognized the glowing scales and deep red color. With a groan of movement, Taro was lifted from the ground. A loud intake of breath echoed around the stadium as he scrabbled at the thing in his chest. Then he was _thrown_ and sent hurtling across the stadium, to crash into the wall. Stones crumbled and broke as they hit the ground, the cracks of sound bouncing off the ceiling.

  
Grey eyes traveling away from the wreckage, Kaneki was met with the icy gaze of Shiro. He stood over Kaneki, bright hair speckled with blood and kagune arcing around him. His eyes fixed on Kaneki at once, so intense that Kaneki had to suppress a shudder. Struggling to sit up, he felt his limbs shake in relief. "Sh—Shiro," he gasped, tears falling down his face.

  
Shiro was there in an instant, kneeling and taking Kaneki's jaw in his hands. His kagune draped around them in a protective circle. "Shh," he hushed. "I'm here." He smoothed his thumbs over Kaneki's cheeks, wiping away the tears. That sharp gaze never left him, one eye stormy and the other kakugan. A lace of red veins spread from the blackened sclera.

  
Kaneki whimpered with lingering fear."I thought he was gonna..."

  
"I know."

  
"I'm sorry I made you save me again."

  
"Kaneki, I don't care."

  
"Shiro." Kaneki leaned into Shiro's touch, sighing as fingers stroked his cheek. "I wanna go home."

  
"I'm gonna get you home," Shiro promised. From off to the side, there was a sudden, enraged cry that had no-doubt come from Tsukiyama. Swearing under his breath, Shiro flitted in to kiss Kaneki's forehead. "Let me kick his ass first," he muttered, and got to his feet again. Kaneki gazed after him nervously, then glanced in Tsukiyama's direction. He wasn't sure how this was going to end. He didn't know how strong Tsukiyama really was.

  
" _Comment oses-tu?_ " Tsukiyama's words shook, brow drawn in furiously beneath his mask. He marched out into the light with a look of murder, solely directed at Shiro. "Look at what you've done! Making a mess of my meal!"

  
"He is not your meal," Shiro said slowly.

  
"Well, he certainly isn't yours," Tsukiyama retorted, and Kaneki thought that he saw Shiro's kagune twitch at his sides. "Don't tell me you've been keeping a human around so long for fun." Seeming to forget himself, his gaze switched to Kaneki and lit with hunger. "You were preparing him. Just as I would. If I had had more time—"

  
"Don't compare me to you and your disgusting Gourmets," Shiro growled. The click of him cracking a knuckle sounded almost familiar to Kaneki now. "I told you what would happen if you tried to touch him."

  
A fraction of Tsukiyama's rage smoothed out into the veil of elegance he draped over himself. Adjusting his suit jacket, he let out a pitying _tsk_. "Oh yes. I believe you mentioned that you'd 'end me.'" There was a jolting sound then, a long _riiiip_ that came with the appearance of a spiraling, violet kagune. Glowing the color of deep blood beneath its surface, it coiled around Tsukiyama's arm, a deadly, beautiful ribbon. Kaneki had never seen another kagune besides Shiro's and he couldn't help but stare.

  
_Can Shiro win in a fight against him?_ Tsukiyama was older and Kaneki was willing to bet that he'd seen his fair share of fights before. _But Shiro has too,_ he reminded himself. Looking at Shiro's kagune lifting in readiness, Kaneki realized that he'd never thought about how exactly Shiro had escaped his torturer. A warning prickled at the back of his mind. How many people and ghouls had he killed?

  
"You'll have to try very hard if you want to be rid of me, _mon cher_ ," Tsukiyama purred.

  
Shiro's muscles tensed, eyes only on Tsukiyama, a million images of blood and blur of his kagune spinning in his head. A wild grin threatened the corners of his mouth. _He took Kaneki, he was going to eat Kaneki, he was going to hurt what's mine_. The thoughts stirred in his blood and rushed in his veins.

  
Oh, he was going to ravage this ghoul.

  
Tsukiyama lunged and Shiro was moving before Tsukiyama's toes had even left the ground. Darting to the side as Tsukiyama's kagune sliced through air and then the floor, rinkaku sweeping out; two deadly tips would've broken Tsukiyama's shoulder, had he not moved at the last second. Wrenching his kagune from the ground, he brought it upward and Shiro's met it. The echo of impact thrummed against the walls and Tsukiyama gritted his teeth, as cracks spiderwebbed across his kagune. The two locked eyes for a shivering second, then were hurling themselves at each other again. Tsukiyama ducked under a strike from all four of Shiro's rinkaku and sent his arm shooting forward. His kagune went with it and a wet, thunking sound came next. Kaneki watched with a stone in his stomach as the curved point buried itself into Shiro's side.

  
A half-raged, half-pained snarl tore out of Shiro's throat. Black-tipped fingers wrapped around the kagune in his skin and yanked. Tsukiyama tried to dash forward and Shiro's head jerked up at the movement, eyes wide and maddened. He curled his kagune in front of him and they collided with Tsukiyama's face. The mask shattered as the ghoul reeled back, hissing as another crack followed the first: the sound of his nose breaking. Crimson spurts leaked from beneath the smashed mask, just before it crumbled away. His face was a mess, fingers coming up to delicately prod at the wound. The gasps of the watching crowd only made his shoulders grow rigid with more anger.

  
"You aren't nearly as much of a mouse as I thought, little Shiro," he commented, the rasp lessening his usual charm.

  
"And you're every bit of the scum I thought you were," Shiro shot back.

  
Tsukiyama ran at him again, this time aiming for the legs. Kaneki's own legs drew up on their own, like he was the one who'd have to dodge instead of Shiro. His breath was stuck in his throat. Shiro's kagune dropped to guard his legs, but that was what Tsukiyama had wanted. At the last second, he changed direction and swept his kagune up to slice across Shiro's face. But neither he nor Kaneki had expected Shiro to be so fast. His head jerked back, barely avoiding the blow, one tentacle bracing itself behind him so that he wouldn't lose his balance. The other three darted in, one after the other. One speared itself through Tsukiyama's torso, drawing a strangled noise out of him. The other two coiled around his waist and rose up. In a looping arc, they whipped him around and threw him. With a crash, he met the wall and slumped to the ground. Coughing, he laid there limply and hands checked the injury at his stomach.

  
Kaneki had shut his eyes for most of the fight then, but he cracked them open warily when he heard Shiro's heavy breaths. The half-ghoul was tearing his gaze from Tsukiyama's still form and edging back to Kaneki. Blood soaked his shirt, but as far as Kaneki could tell, the wound itself had stopped bleeding. Shiro's expression started to soften, kagune relaxing behind him. "Kanek—"

  
Suddenly, a flash of purple swiped across Kaneki's peripheral vision. "Watch out!" he cried, and Shiro moved to dodge, hand raising on instinct to protect his face.

  
Tsukiyama's kagune missed his throat by inches. But there was still a flicker of red droplets, a clean slice through skin. It came from the hand covering Shiro's face. Nausea choked Kaneki's throat when he saw that Shiro's pinky finger had been severed off. It was a pitiful wound compared to the others Shiro had faced, but his reaction didn't show it. The half-ghoul cried out, grabbing his hand to stop the bleeding. Trembles travelled down his arms, lighting up goosebumps on his skin. Jaw tight, he snarled at Tsukiyama. "You—!" Breaking off, he staggered and brought his bloody hand up to study it. His chest heaved, sweat breaking out in a sheen on his skin. Kaneki watched in horrified fascination as Shiro's finger healed in front of him, bone and muscle knitting back together.

  
Shiro brought his hand close to himself, fighting off the voices crowding in on every side of him. The pain, the old pain, his fingers cut off, one by one, drop by drop. He wanted to taste the blood on his tongue. A manic grin twisted his mouth up.

  
_What's one thousand minus seven?_

  
Kaneki's skin crawled then, at the wild laugh that Shiro let out. Bringing his head up and sending a lock of white hair from his face, Shiro grinned right past Tsukiyama. Something else had caught his attention, something behind the other ghoul, only visible to him. Lifting his hand up, fingers curled like claws, he cracked the knuckle of his new finger.

  
So fast that Kaneki saw nothing but a blur, Shiro's kagune whipped outward all at once. One by one, they burrowed themselves into Tsukiyama's arms, his legs. Blood flew from the wounds and Tsukiyama let out a strangled yell as he was thrown back to the wall. Pinned there, he gasped for breath.

  
By now, the ghouls overhead had fallen silent. A few whispers shuffled between them, but other than that, there was nothing. Kaneki gazed up at them for a heartbeat, a twinge of odd distaste in his stomach. They'd watched Tsukiyama be injured without bothering to move to help. They were nothing like the ghouls Kaneki had come to know and he was incredibly glad to have met Shiro instead.

  
He glanced back at the ghoul, cringing at the wet shift of kagune leaving the flesh of Tsukiyama's limbs. This time, when he slid into a heap on the ground, he didn't try to get back up. The long tentacles jerked, flinging blood from their points. Then Shiro faced Kaneki again and those tentacles drifted toward him.

  
Kaneki didn't mean to, but he flinched. Shiro paused, the madness beginning to fade and be replaced by confused hurt. "I—I'm sorry," Kaneki stammered, shoulders hunched. The bindings on his wrists were beginning to ache, a reminder that he needed to get moving, get home. "I just..." _I don't want to touch them if Tsukiyama's blood is there._

  
"I understand," Shiro replied, barely loud enough for Kaneki to hear. He approached Kaneki carefully, kagune still extended around them, but not close enough to touch. Kneeling, he looped an arm under Kaneki's knees and the other beneath his back. His mismatched eyes darted up to the human's face. "Is this okay?"

  
"Yeah," Kaneki breathed out, suddenly anxious to be held, to be taken from this horrible place. Shiro's arms hefted him up and he stood. Darkly beautiful rinkaku curved around them protectively and Kaneki felt himself being pulled up against a strong chest. The adrenaline had faded, leaving behind exhaustion unlike any other. He closed his eyes and nosed into the curve of Shiro's neck. His scent was strongest there, warm, a copper tang that Kaneki knew was blood, and under that....something familiar and new all at once. Like coming home after a long time away.

  
The two walked from the room in the quiet, among the murmurs of ghouls and the ghastly smell of new injuries.

  
Kaneki thought of Shiro's voice breaking, of numbers whispered in dark rooms, of Shiro's eyes when he looked at that thing over shoulders, of a girl with hair like dusk and the scar she painted on Shiro's ribs. _I don't remember Shiro telling me it was a girl that had made him into a ghoul,_ he thought groggily.

  
He was asleep before they'd left the building.

  
With images— _or were they memories?—_ of the girl and the one-eyed ghoul placed into his head, like flowers upon graves.


	13. Author's Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Problems...

All right, I'm sorry about this guys, I hate posting author's notes when you were expecting another chapter. Recently, I had to restore the information on my iPad because of a problem with my keyboard. I thought that my documents might be messed up so I emailed a copy of this fic to myself. For some reason, it sent me an old version. I lost everything after chapter 7. So all of my new writing for the next chapter (which was almost done) is now gone. I know I can try to continue it by rewriting the latest chapter, but I'm feeling really discouraged right now. I put a lot of work into it and to have it all disappear is just so disappointing. I'll do my best to continue if you all really want me to, but even if I don't I'll try to write more for this series and even this pairing, if I can. I just feel so frustrated to have lost it all and it took away a lot of inspiration. I guess I'm just letting you know that this probably won't be finished unless you guys really want me to try and write it for you. I don't want to give you writing with half-effort just because I'm trying to wrap something up. 

So, if you want me to work on trying to pick this up, let me know. If not, I'll be happy to write a one-shot or two for this pairing, so that at least you guys can see them together and have some writing that I can be proud of. Thank you for all the support, it meant so much the past few months and again, I'm really sorry for this. :(


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